I love you, forever and always. I promise to take care of you and never, ever leave you. I promise to support you any way I can. I promise to celebrate you and all your successes. I am so proud of who you’ve become! I love spending time with you! You are such an amazing person; I’m so inspired by you, your openness, vulnerability, willingness to dig deep and allow your authentic self to speak. Let me know how I can love you better. I am here totally and completely for you.
You can’t heal what you can’t feel… and so my biggest task has been just allowing the feelings to rise, to be seen, acknowledged, embraced, and finally felt. For a long time I attempted to deny my feelings, because they appeared too painful to accept, and I was afraid of what might happen if I allowed the tidal wave to crash over me. It turns out that I was giving my attention to my fear of the difficult feelings rather than to the feelings themselves. The fear made it all seem so much worse that it really was. Once I peeled back all my layers of distraction, denial and defense and exposed my tender heart to myself, I saw that there was nothing to fear. As the grief came up, the doubt, the self-blame, the regret, the anger, the loneliness, the abandonment, the resistance and all the others emerged as a procession, one by one, to be fully received and welcomed by me. As I allowed these feelings to flow through, I sensed underneath them my resilience, my strength, and finally my hope for new feelings to arrive once I’ve made enough room for them by letting the old feelings go…
I’m feeling entertained. What was meant as an insult has provided endless laughter. This means progress. I was told that the body part upon which I sit is entitled. I was told to get off this particularly entitled body part and get a job. I have two things to say: 1. I have a job. Actually two jobs. Actually three. I have been mothering for 9 years and teaching yoga for 14 and it is a full time job being me, it’s a tough job but someone’s gotta do it and I’m the most qualified for it— AND I AM DAMN GOOD AT WHAT I DO, AND I WILL KEEP DOING IT, THANK YOU. 2. Yes, I am entitled, and not just the body part on which I sit. All of me is entitled. All of me is entitled to: love respect joy beauty care kindness compassion understanding abundance and gratitude (among other things, but the list is getting too long, so I’ll stop there. For now). I am entitled to these things, because this is what I give out. Oh wait, there is a third thing I have to say: 3. YOU CAN’T HURT ME ANYMORE. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, just talk to the aforementioned entitled body part on which I sit. I’m sure it will make itself very clear, in one way or another.
How safe is it to share, to be vulnerable? How safe is it to be honest about what I’m really feeling? I know that what I’m feeling is nothing new. I know that there are countless humans feeling the exact same thing I’m feeling in this very moment. If I had a friend feeling what I’m feeling, I’d tell them You are not alone. I’m here with you. What do you need? In the absence of a friend to offer it to me, can I offer myself this same kindness? I know I can’t rely on someone else to bring me the happiness I seek. I know that the happiness is within me, concealed by stories of unhappiness. Now my job is to identify those obstacles to my happiness, be willing to let them go, and allow the happiness to emerge naturally. God give me the strength to love myself back to wholeness.
Oh my mind, why so sour today? You’d be sour, too, if you were expected to figure this mess out. You don’t have to figure this out. Who told you that you did? Well, you aren’t figuring it out yourself, and someone has to do it. Oh, sweetheart, just breathe and rest. There isn’t anything to be figured out. Just breathe and rest.