Tag Archives: self-worth

He’s Won

Standard

More tears.
More anger.
Unending darkness.
Feeling hopeless,
worthless.
Alone.
The things that brought me joy
can no longer reach me. I try
but nothing gets done.
Take some pills they say.
They’ll take the edge off they say.
I give up.
He’s won.

 

***********
I’m thinking of taking a break from this blog after never missing a daily post for the last four and a half years. I can’t see what purpose is being served by my sharing here, as my sharing has heavily centered on grieving the loss of my marriage for over a year now. I want to contribute to the happiness of the people on this planet, not their sadness, but by sharing my sadness, don’t I amplify it? Has it been selfish of me to share publicly in this way and to let you know that I’m suffering? I honestly have been hoping that my writing here would bring me some relief, but I take no joy in it; it’s something I make myself do—and how inspiring can words born of that mindset really be?  If my words don’t inspire, I don’t want to inflict them on anyone.

I feel burdened by life, consumed in a darkness that threatens to blot out all memory of happiness and love and light. A mighty battle is being fought within me, a battle between darkness and light—and I’m not feeling confident of the outcome.  Both of my kids noticed.

My six year old son said, “Do you know what my greatest enemy is?”

“What?” I asked.

“Losing you,” he said.  I cried.  We were in my room looking at a Divine Feminine oracle deck while my daughter was bathing.

After she was out of the bath tub, the three of us piled into my bed to hang out while I brushed my daughter’s hair. After I was done brushing, she got up, looked at me with her eight years of wisdom, and said, “You know people die of sadness?”

“Oh really?” I asked. “Can you tell me more about that?”

“People can get so sad that they…just…die. And I don’t want that to happen to you.” I cried again.

My children nestled their heads against me and I stroked their hair while I cried more.  I felt like a piece of shit for not being able to just buck up and pretend I’m fine…so that they can know they’re safe in the presence of a strong mother who has it together for them—or some bullshit unreasonable thing people keep telling me I should do so that my kids don’t get traumatized by my depression. It’s great to be quite literally dying of sadness and then have a critical voice remind me that I’m selfish and should be a better mother and put my children first instead of wallowing in self-pity.

I’m fortunate in that my girlfriend Lucy is flying me out to CO to get away from this home where I lived with my husband and children for three and a half years. Too many memories.  Too many triggers.  My children will be in Utah with their father and his mistress.  He’s taking her home to meet his parents.  We’re still married, and I’m struggling to find my will to live each day.

I can’t know that this isn’t the best thing for me. So many people have said to me He gave you your freedom.  Someday you’ll see that and be grateful for it. But I’m not sure I’m going to make it to someday. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll make it one more day.

I’m considering taking a break from this blog while I’m in CO from 7/21-7/31.  I’m thinking of taking a complete break from everything I normally do, pack very lightly, and just be really open to what might arise in the space of not planning and not knowing.  What I’ve been doing isn’t working. It’s time for something to change.

Perhaps a change of pace. A change of scenery. A change of faces, and smells, and sounds, nothing familiar to trigger the cascade of sadness that hasn’t stopped flowing for a year. I’m bleeding out emotionally and the situation is dire.  No one can save me but me and I have to choose to want to be saved.  I hope the mountains will return me to my sanity. I’ll keep you posted, let you know what I decide. Thanks for reading.

You Are Worth It

Standard

Be available to joy.
Make yourself ready for pleasure.
Stay open to possibility.
Search for evidence that you are loved.
Prepare yourself for unimaginable delight.
Trust that this moment is good
and life is beautiful
and you are wanted.
Stand in complete appreciation
of the majesty of existence.
Get ready for endless laughter
and waves of bliss.
You are worth it.

Caught By Grace

Standard

I was falling, falling
into deep despair,
deeper than I knew was possible.
I prayed to God,
Please help,
I’m tired of feeling this way
and I want it to stop.
The funny part about Grace
is that it doesn’t always work
on my timeline.
It isn’t linear at all.
It comes when I least expect it.
All of these months of feeling lonely
carved a deep hole in my heart.
At first I thought this was terrible,
but now I know it was
an important initiation
preparing me
to receive the love
that wanted to pour in.
After months of silence,
and in my darkest moment,
friends reached out to me,
and I reached into me;
I saw my worthiness
and my readiness to be loved.
Now my heart is full.
I was falling, falling,
but today I was caught
in the arms
of boundless Grace.

Your Only Question

Standard

This spiritual journey
is a path of tremendous
inner work.
It remains invisible
to everyone on the outside
except for those
who have the most discerning eye.
If you meet such a Friend,
hold fast to them.
The friend who can see your inner light
is the friend who will support
its outer expression in this world
that is so much in need of your brilliance.
And don’t try to tell me
But I’m not brilliant.
You are made of stardust,
therefore, YOU ARE BRILLIANT.
Your only question should be, then,
How can I express my brilliance
in a way that will bring the most
joy and healing to this world?
Spend your life answering that question,
and it will be a life very well spent indeed.

Lives to Save

Standard

Tired, working hard to be prepared
for a workshop I’m teaching tomorrow
and those old scoundrels jump into my brain,
The Perfectionist and the Critic.
They let me know all sorts of things:
You should’ve had this done by now.
You don’t have enough authority to teach this.
It’s going to be a flop. They’ll want their money back.
Why aren’t you more organized?
You don’t have anything worthwhile to say.
You should just give up right now.
And I say:
Wow!
Thanks guys, really appreciate it,
everything you said is really helpful,
and I’ll be sure to take into consideration
what you shared with me…
AND,
I’m going to get back to work here.
I don’t have time to wallow in self-doubt.
I have lives to save.

 

You’re Worth It

Standard

Just a little reminder about self-care
for those of you who might need it…
Friend, take care of your precious self.
You do not need to ask permission.
There is no reason to believe
that getting your needs met is selfish.
Listen closely:
Any act of loving self-care 
is an act of service to humanity.
Don’t believe me?
Who will serve better—
She who is exhausted
or she who is well-rested?
Who will have the energy
to reach his deepest potential—
He who is starving
or he who is nourished?
It’s so simple, isn’t it?
If you want to have love to give,
love yourself first and foremost,
and let this love spill over
into the minds and hearts
of everyone around you.
Yes, you can give yourself
the rest, the nourishment,
the beauty, the caring,
the gentleness that you need.
You’re worth it!

Reach Out

Standard

If you’re feeling lost, alone,
sad, angry, hopeless,
depressed, at wit’s end
or otherwise fed up completely
with life,
do not,
I repeat DO NOT isolate yourself!
Reach out.
It might seem like the last thing
you want to do,
but please, friend,
REACH OUT.
I’m going through
some difficult stuff right now,
and I decided to do something different
from what I’ve done before.
In the past,
I have isolated myself
and spiraled into deep depression,
but not this time.
This time I have reached out
to friends, family, coworkers,
and people I don’t know well
but whom I admire
and guess what?
The outpouring of love,
compassion, humor,
support, insight
and positivity
has given me a new lease of life.
I thought my whole life would fall apart,
but I feel fine.
In fact, I feel more than fine,
because this time it’s different.
Instead of feeling worthless
like I did in the past,
I remember how much I matter.
And guess what?
You matter too!
Remember,
if you’re down in the dumps,
REACH OUT!
You can do it!
((((BIG HUGS))))

 

PS You can reach out here too, you know, in the comments section. Just saying. ❤ 😀