When he left I tried to forgive him. I wanted to forgive him and I wanted to forgive the other woman. But as much as I tried, it wasn’t working. I was still angry, lonely, grieving. I was still terrified, feeling betrayed, victimized. Then I realized I didn’t need to work on forgiving them, I needed to work on forgiving myself. I am training myself to understand that I’m worthy of love even if I’m not perfect. I’m working on forgiving myself for tolerating the way I was treated in my marriage. I’m working on forgiving myself for being human. With the focus back on me I can actually feel my body/spirit/mind/heart/self as it heals. I’m finally getting to know the woman I am, and I’m discovering that I love her.
I know now that it had to happen. I’ve come to this realization before, so bear with me, but you know how this works. We keep circling and circling and circling back to the same old stuff until one day we get it, and we can finally set off on a new trajectory. It had to happen. I was comfortable, and comfort was making me complacent. I knew deep down I was meant for more. I longed to be met at my depth, to be seen and held and loved by someone capable of seeing my value and loving the woman that I was. It wasn’t happening, and a part of me grieved deeply. It wasn’t happening, and I resigned myself to a love not quite deep enough to be congruent with my true nature. I yearned for more, so deeply in my heart I yearned, and a voice said that I was fooling myself, that such a love wasn’t possible in this world. I was determined to do the work inside myself, to search for where I felt unmet and dissatisfied, and discover how I could meet and satisfy myself. Hence the meditation, the writing, the reading, the sewing, the knitting, the kombucha making, the therapy, the workshops, the trainings, the research, the practice, the commitment to arete. I secretly thought I was doing him a favor putting up with his lack of depth, his lack of vision, his inability to penetrate me fully to the core of my being, to flower me open to bigger possibilities, to take me open to God. Well if this is it, I told myself, then I may as well make the most of it. So I kept going. And then it happened. He dumped me. ME. Me, the mother of his children. ME, his WIFE. Me, his yoga teacher. Me, his partner, his best friend. He threw me away. It had to happen. It took a while, but I see this now. At times I look jealously at intact families, and I’m triggered by what was stolen from me. But then my new mindset arrives and reminds me It had to happen. The comfort was making me complacent. I had to be made extremely uncomfortable to be forced out of this nest, this cocoon, this cage of material wealth, where my needs for food, clothing and shelter were met, and the price I paid for it all was my authentic happiness. I look back on who I was and I shudder. I look forward to who I know I will be and I shiver. I look within to the one I am now and I smile, at peace with the fact that sooner or later, it had to happen. ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨
Home alone quiet sewing listening to motivational speakers tell me how to set goals believe in myself tweak my mental habits connect with my why and in general optimize my existence so that the earth will be better for my having passed by this way… I allow myself to dream about bigger things… something deep inside tells me I am meant for more. And it’s amazing to note that now I’ve begun to value this woman I’ve become I can actually believe what the inner voice is saying… I really am meant for more.
I am enough. I am enough? I am enough! What a relief. I don’t need a man to take care of me, I don’t need a man to make me feel loved, I don’t need a man to keep me safe, I don’t need a man to validate my existence. I am enough. I can take care of me. I can love me. I can keep me safe. I exist. No need for validation. I exist. I am enough. Hallelujah! I am enough!
The whole point is to reclaim my life to become happy… Happiness and success are the best revenge. Buckle up, brother, I reckon you’ll feel foolish some day when you’re doing the same old things and the same old people in the same old way And I’m lightyears beyond your comprehension, having taken quantum leaps of faith and consciousness, turned my life and my will over to something greater, given thanks for the talents bestowed upon me learned how to share my gifts in a way that glorifies the One who brought me here and brings joy and inspiration to seekers everywhere and I’m living free, graceful, untarnished by all the stories you told when you didn’t know how to honor the goddess within me… you had to discard me.
Well…I got a lot done today, and that feels good. I definitely did not have the luxury of lying in a ball of anxiety. (Thank goodness for my yoga teaching gig; it made me clean myself up and leave my house). Off to my next class in a moment, and my body is so tired, yet I know I will do just fine. Dinner is ready for the kids, the sitter is on her way, the kitchen is tidy, and I’m about to teach again. It’s amazing how good one feels when one is doing what one was born to do.*
*Now if only I could make enough money teaching yoga to support myself and my kids…but I’m starting to figure out ways to open up other streams of income, and all of it together, fingers crossed, will work out just fine. As soon as I figure out how not to be homeless, that is…