Tag Archives: self-worth

It Had to Happen

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I know now that it had to happen.
I’ve come to this realization before,
so bear with me, but you know how this works.
We keep circling and circling and circling back
to the same old stuff until one day we get it,
and we can finally set off on a new trajectory.
It had to happen.
I was comfortable, and comfort was making me complacent.
I knew deep down I was meant for more.
I longed to be met at my depth,
to be seen and held and loved by someone capable
of seeing my value and loving the woman that I was.
It wasn’t happening, and a part of me grieved deeply.
It wasn’t happening, and I resigned myself to a love
not quite deep enough to be congruent with my true nature.
I yearned for more, so deeply in my heart I yearned,
and a voice said that I was fooling myself,
that such a love wasn’t possible in this world.
I was determined to do the work inside myself,
to search for where I felt unmet and dissatisfied,
and discover how I could meet and satisfy myself.
Hence the meditation, the writing, the reading,
the sewing, the knitting, the kombucha making,
the therapy, the workshops, the trainings,
the research, the practice, the commitment to arete.
I secretly thought I was doing him a favor
putting up with his lack of depth, his lack of vision,
his inability to penetrate me fully to the core of my being,
to flower me open to bigger possibilities,
to take me open to God.
Well if this is it, I told myself,
then I may as well make the most of it.
So I kept going.
And then it happened.
He dumped me. ME.
Me, the mother of his children.
ME, his WIFE.
Me, his yoga teacher.
Me, his partner, his best friend.
He threw me away.
It had to happen.
It took a while, but I see this now.
At times I look jealously at intact families,
and I’m triggered by what was stolen from me.
But then my new mindset arrives and reminds me
It had to happen.
The comfort was making me complacent.
I had to be made extremely uncomfortable
to be forced out of this nest, this cocoon,
this cage of material wealth,
where my needs for food, clothing and shelter were met,
and the price I paid for it all was my authentic happiness.
I look back on who I was and I shudder.
I look forward to who I know I will be and I shiver.
I look within to the one I am now and I smile,
at peace with the fact that sooner or later,
it had to happen.



Meant For More

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Home alone
quiet sewing
listening to motivational speakers
tell me how to set goals
believe in myself
tweak my mental habits
connect with my why
and in general
optimize my existence
so that the earth will be better
for my having passed by this way…
I allow myself to dream
about bigger things…
something deep inside tells me
I am meant for more.
And it’s amazing to note
that now I’ve begun to value
this woman I’ve become
I can actually believe
what the inner voice is saying…
I really am meant for more.

I Am Enough

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I am enough.
I am enough?
I am enough!
What a relief.
I don’t need a man to take care of me,
I don’t need a man to make me feel loved,
I don’t need a man to keep me safe,
I don’t need a man to validate my existence.
I am enough.
I can take care of me.
I can love me.
I can keep me safe.
I exist. No need for validation. I exist.
I am enough.
Hallelujah!
I am enough!

Evening Gratitude

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I reach the end of the day
feeling deep gratitude
in every cell and fiber
of my tired body.

I gave my all today,
body, heart, mind and spirit.
I touched the lives of my students,
witnessed their transformation,
felt humbled
by the opportunity to bring value
to their lives through my work.

It took me a while
to see that I’m the one
who needs to value what I do
if I want others to see the value.

For so long
I relied on an external validation of my worth.
Finally, FINALLY
I’m seeing that
as long as I validate myself,
I don’t need anyone to do it for me.

Gratitude washes over me.
I have no more words.

Your Loss

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The whole point is to reclaim my life
to become happy…
Happiness and success are the best revenge.
Buckle up, brother,
I reckon
you’ll feel foolish some day
when you’re doing the same old things
and the same old people
in the same old way
And I’m lightyears beyond
your comprehension,
having taken
quantum leaps of faith and consciousness,
turned my life and my will over to something greater,
given thanks for the talents bestowed upon me
learned how to share my gifts in a way
that glorifies the One who brought me here
and brings joy and inspiration to seekers everywhere
and I’m living free, graceful, untarnished
by all the stories you told
when you didn’t know how to honor
the goddess within me…
you had to discard me.

…your loss

What One Was Born To Do

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Well…I got a lot done today,
and that feels good.
I definitely did not have the luxury
of lying in a ball of anxiety.
(Thank goodness for my yoga teaching gig;
it made me clean myself up and leave my house).
Off to my next class in a moment,
and my body is so tired,
yet I know I will do just fine.
Dinner is ready for the kids,
the sitter is on her way,
the kitchen is tidy,
and I’m about to teach again.
It’s amazing how good one feels
when one is doing
what one was born to do.*

*Now if only I could make enough money teaching yoga to support myself and my kids…but I’m starting to figure out ways to open up other streams of income, and all of it together, fingers crossed, will work out just fine. As soon as I figure out how not to be homeless, that is…

The Beauty of My Aloneness

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Sometimes I wonder
how you could go from
I love you
to It’s over.
But that’s exactly what happened,
from one month to the next…
And yes,
nearly two years later,
I’m still wondering.
I’ve read another book,
The Way of the Superior Man,* by David Deida.
(You told me I read too many books,
but then I think you watch way too much TV.)
I flagged each sentence
that shed light on what went wrong
in our marriage.
I’ll go back and reread what I’ve flagged,
memorize the passages,
so that never again
will I share my heart
with a weak man,
a man who blames his woman
for his shortcomings,
a man who defends his mediocrity
by rescinding his responsibility.
I’ll read every book I can get my hands on
about cultivating a healthy relationship with myself
and healthy relationships with others.
I’m becoming quite an educated woman.
The beauty of my aloneness
is that I get to dream of being
with someone who deserves me,
and I get to cultivate the deep sense of worthiness
that will draw him to me.
I’m still healing from the wounds you inflicted
when you left our marriage in such a cowardly way.
Eventually, though,
when I’m with a beautiful, strong man
who loves and appreciates my deeply feminine core,
I’ll thank you for giving up,
because I know I was worth so much more.

*I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It resonated so deeply and clarified so much. I’ve never felt so vindicated, seen, heard and understood. Ladies, every one of you, please read this book. Gentlemen, every one of you, please read this book.