Tag Archives: self-worth

What One Was Born To Do

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Well…I got a lot done today,
and that feels good.
I definitely did not have the luxury
of lying in a ball of anxiety.
(Thank goodness for my yoga teaching gig;
it made me clean myself up and leave my house).
Off to my next class in a moment,
and my body is so tired,
yet I know I will do just fine.
Dinner is ready for the kids,
the sitter is on her way,
the kitchen is tidy,
and I’m about to teach again.
It’s amazing how good one feels
when one is doing
what one was born to do.*

*Now if only I could make enough money teaching yoga to support myself and my kids…but I’m starting to figure out ways to open up other streams of income, and all of it together, fingers crossed, will work out just fine. As soon as I figure out how not to be homeless, that is…

The Beauty of My Aloneness

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Sometimes I wonder
how you could go from
I love you
to It’s over.
But that’s exactly what happened,
from one month to the next…
And yes,
nearly two years later,
I’m still wondering.
I’ve read another book,
The Way of the Superior Man,* by David Deida.
(You told me I read too many books,
but then I think you watch way too much TV.)
I flagged each sentence
that shed light on what went wrong
in our marriage.
I’ll go back and reread what I’ve flagged,
memorize the passages,
so that never again
will I share my heart
with a weak man,
a man who blames his woman
for his shortcomings,
a man who defends his mediocrity
by rescinding his responsibility.
I’ll read every book I can get my hands on
about cultivating a healthy relationship with myself
and healthy relationships with others.
I’m becoming quite an educated woman.
The beauty of my aloneness
is that I get to dream of being
with someone who deserves me,
and I get to cultivate the deep sense of worthiness
that will draw him to me.
I’m still healing from the wounds you inflicted
when you left our marriage in such a cowardly way.
Eventually, though,
when I’m with a beautiful, strong man
who loves and appreciates my deeply feminine core,
I’ll thank you for giving up,
because I know I was worth so much more.

*I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It resonated so deeply and clarified so much. I’ve never felt so vindicated, seen, heard and understood. Ladies, every one of you, please read this book. Gentlemen, every one of you, please read this book.

A Dream is Enough

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The quote above is from Deida’s book The Way of the Superior Man

After being told for so long
by the one I had pledged to love
that there was something wrong with me,
that I was good for nothing,
lazy, selfish, irresponsible,
and at the cause of all
our collective misfortunes,
it goes without saying
that it feels quite refreshing to be alone.
Without all of the noise,
the criticism, the discouragement,
the manipulation, the control
and—let’s be plain—the abuse,
I can finally begin
to tease apart the threads of the veil
that had been woven around
my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart.
I can finally begin to discern
what is real and true for me,
who I really am.
As I learn to exist in this new reality
and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds,
I feel myself growing stronger, more sure
of the good that surrounds me,
the good within me.
As I connect with and exist inside this good,
I allow myself to dream about what is possible.
I dream about deep, intimate connection
first with myself,
and then, one day, with another.
I dream about a man
who is aware of his presence,
who sees his depth of awareness
as his most valuable asset.
I dream about myself
standing in my power and grace with this man,
who wants to honor me with his strength,
as I honor him with my devotion.
For now it is a dream.
For now, a dream is enough.

He’s Won

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More tears.
More anger.
Unending darkness.
Feeling hopeless,
worthless.
Alone.
The things that brought me joy
can no longer reach me. I try
but nothing gets done.
Take some pills they say.
They’ll take the edge off they say.
I give up.
He’s won.

 

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I’m thinking of taking a break from this blog after never missing a daily post for the last four and a half years. I can’t see what purpose is being served by my sharing here, as my sharing has heavily centered on grieving the loss of my marriage for over a year now. I want to contribute to the happiness of the people on this planet, not their sadness, but by sharing my sadness, don’t I amplify it? Has it been selfish of me to share publicly in this way and to let you know that I’m suffering? I honestly have been hoping that my writing here would bring me some relief, but I take no joy in it; it’s something I make myself do—and how inspiring can words born of that mindset really be?  If my words don’t inspire, I don’t want to inflict them on anyone.

I feel burdened by life, consumed in a darkness that threatens to blot out all memory of happiness and love and light. A mighty battle is being fought within me, a battle between darkness and light—and I’m not feeling confident of the outcome.  Both of my kids noticed.

My six year old son said, “Do you know what my greatest enemy is?”

“What?” I asked.

“Losing you,” he said.  I cried.  We were in my room looking at a Divine Feminine oracle deck while my daughter was bathing.

After she was out of the bath tub, the three of us piled into my bed to hang out while I brushed my daughter’s hair. After I was done brushing, she got up, looked at me with her eight years of wisdom, and said, “You know people die of sadness?”

“Oh really?” I asked. “Can you tell me more about that?”

“People can get so sad that they…just…die. And I don’t want that to happen to you.” I cried again.

My children nestled their heads against me and I stroked their hair while I cried more.  I felt like a piece of shit for not being able to just buck up and pretend I’m fine…so that they can know they’re safe in the presence of a strong mother who has it together for them—or some bullshit unreasonable thing people keep telling me I should do so that my kids don’t get traumatized by my depression. It’s great to be quite literally dying of sadness and then have a critical voice remind me that I’m selfish and should be a better mother and put my children first instead of wallowing in self-pity.

I’m fortunate in that my girlfriend Lucy is flying me out to CO to get away from this home where I lived with my husband and children for three and a half years. Too many memories.  Too many triggers.  My children will be in Utah with their father and his mistress.  He’s taking her home to meet his parents.  We’re still married, and I’m struggling to find my will to live each day.

I can’t know that this isn’t the best thing for me. So many people have said to me He gave you your freedom.  Someday you’ll see that and be grateful for it. But I’m not sure I’m going to make it to someday. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll make it one more day.

I’m considering taking a break from this blog while I’m in CO from 7/21-7/31.  I’m thinking of taking a complete break from everything I normally do, pack very lightly, and just be really open to what might arise in the space of not planning and not knowing.  What I’ve been doing isn’t working. It’s time for something to change.

Perhaps a change of pace. A change of scenery. A change of faces, and smells, and sounds, nothing familiar to trigger the cascade of sadness that hasn’t stopped flowing for a year. I’m bleeding out emotionally and the situation is dire.  No one can save me but me and I have to choose to want to be saved.  I hope the mountains will return me to my sanity. I’ll keep you posted, let you know what I decide. Thanks for reading.

You Are Worth It

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Be available to joy.
Make yourself ready for pleasure.
Stay open to possibility.
Search for evidence that you are loved.
Prepare yourself for unimaginable delight.
Trust that this moment is good
and life is beautiful
and you are wanted.
Stand in complete appreciation
of the majesty of existence.
Get ready for endless laughter
and waves of bliss.
You are worth it.

Caught By Grace

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I was falling, falling
into deep despair,
deeper than I knew was possible.
I prayed to God,
Please help,
I’m tired of feeling this way
and I want it to stop.
The funny part about Grace
is that it doesn’t always work
on my timeline.
It isn’t linear at all.
It comes when I least expect it.
All of these months of feeling lonely
carved a deep hole in my heart.
At first I thought this was terrible,
but now I know it was
an important initiation
preparing me
to receive the love
that wanted to pour in.
After months of silence,
and in my darkest moment,
friends reached out to me,
and I reached into me;
I saw my worthiness
and my readiness to be loved.
Now my heart is full.
I was falling, falling,
but today I was caught
in the arms
of boundless Grace.

Your Only Question

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This spiritual journey
is a path of tremendous
inner work.
It remains invisible
to everyone on the outside
except for those
who have the most discerning eye.
If you meet such a Friend,
hold fast to them.
The friend who can see your inner light
is the friend who will support
its outer expression in this world
that is so much in need of your brilliance.
And don’t try to tell me
But I’m not brilliant.
You are made of stardust,
therefore, YOU ARE BRILLIANT.
Your only question should be, then,
How can I express my brilliance
in a way that will bring the most
joy and healing to this world?
Spend your life answering that question,
and it will be a life very well spent indeed.