Tag Archives: sickness

Always Another Way

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Up half the night with a sick child,
scrubbing puke out of the carpets,
attempting not to resent my ex
for leaving me
to deal with moments like these
on my own.
How can I tweak my mindset
when the moment
is so obviously difficult?
Any way you look at it,
a pukey carpet is smelly and gross.
How do you find spiritual wisdom
in disgusting moments?
Well…I tried.
I tried to tell myself
It is a privilege to clean up my daughter’s throw-up.
Yes I did.
I thought about childless couples
who would’ve paid dearly
many times over
to have a son or daughter of their own,
who would’ve been glad to be in my shoes,
scrubbing mess out of the carpet,
just to know they had a kid to love and raise.
It strikes me now in retrospect,
that it wasn’t so much the content of my mind,
but the act of attempting to shift
from feeling exhausted and overburdened
to the recognition of my blessings—
however disgustingly they were disguised—
that might bear beautiful fruit in the future.
Who knows what can grow
of experiences like these,
when they are met with the awareness
that there is always another way?

Grateful No Matter What

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The plan was to go to the Renaissance Festival—
my sister, my two children and me.
Then my son got sick and was up all night.
I was up too, cleaning the carpet,
cleaning his face, rubbing his back,
getting him drinks, holding the bin, reassuring him
You won’t feel like this forever.
You’re going to be just fine.
My sister took my daughter to the festival and we stayed home.
It’s twelve hours later and mercifully he’s sleeping.
I’m awake hoping for a restful night to come.
But then it strikes me…
What prayer was answered by my receiving
the honor and the privilege
of time to take care of my sweet boy
in the quiet of our home?
What space was created
in the space of my care for him
and my desire to help him feel better?
What experiences will my sister and daughter have
without me there to pretend I’m in control?
What beautiful experience is yet to blossom
in my heart and mind
now that I can be grateful
no matter what?

Ready to Learn

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I subbed out my morning class
I subbed out my evening class
I subbed out tomorrow morning’s class too.
The yoga teacher needs to stay home
and remember she is still a student.
Somehow my yoga is simply being with my body
in this state of illness, exhaustion.
I need to really feel and notice what has happened.
The worry and the stress wore away at me
and here I am.
If I won’t learn the lesson this time,
it will just keep repeating itself until I do.
I want to learn.
I am ready to learn.

Depression Sucks

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I thought it would get better by morning.
It didn’t.
If anything it was worse.
After getting the kids on the bus,
I got back in bed,
hoping to sleep off
some of the depression and anxiety.
I got up a while later;
my body was hungry.
Made myself a protein shake,
went back to bed.
Then the guilt and the shame arrived.
You should be working.
You should be making money.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You’re a piece of shit.
That didn’t help either;
it just made it worse.
You know what?
Depression really, really sucks.

Healing Work

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When I tell myself the story
that my nose shouldn’t be running,
my throat shouldn’t be hurting,
my body shouldn’t be draggy and heavy,
I shouldn’t be sneezing…
and then my nose runs,
my throat hurts,
my body is draggy and heavy,
and I sneeze–
then I am miserable.
Inwardly I wail about my fate,
being caught in illness,
made to slow down,
missing out on doing the work I love.
But
Without the thought
that I shouldn’t be feeling this way,
I would be me, sitting in bed,
fingers tapping letters
on a keyboard,
almost ready for bed,
feeling grateful for my warm home,
my children sleeping safe and sound,
my husband watching TV,
just me here,
counting my blessings.
Feeling this way
and trying to stay awake
through the process of healing
sure is a lot of work!