I want to get creative. I want to paint draw write dance sing knit sew cook do yoga. I look around my house. It’s cluttered, disorganized. I can’t create with my house like this, I tell myself. So I pick up. Dust. Vacuum. Put away. Organize. I look around my house again. It’s beautiful. Neat. Luminous. But now I’m so damn tired I no longer have the energy to create! Maybe I need to learn how to create regardless of the neatness of my space.
Full days of mothering, teaching yoga, fitting in morning meditation and evening gratitude, eating healthy, thinking good thoughts and I realize I’d be bored if I had nothing to do. I’d be depressed if I had nothing to do. So all of this to say… I’m tired but happy.
You know when you go to sleep angry and wake up angry and try as you might to change it you go through the day angry? And then you feel depressed because you’ve been angry and the anger is exhausting and you’re looking around at your messy life, wondering when you’ll have the energy to get organized, but then you remember that you’re a single parent, and there’s already too much to do, and so you look at the mess and think, Someday I’ll…? Yeah, that.
What will take away the rage, the fatigue, the sheer exhaustion? What will make all of this seem ok, so that I can get up and do this again (and again and again and again and again)? How many days like this until it won’t be like this anymore? Tonight, I feel solidarity will all single parents everywhere who just want some help, because it all feels like too much.
Hi friends… While I was away teaching yoga on retreat (and I didn’t have access to Wifi) I fell behind on my posts, as you can see. And then I came back home and my son was sick and I’ve been sleep deprived, overworked, overwhelmed and undernourished. Nonetheless, I kept plodding away at my posts for my 48 days of gratitude and I continued posting them to Facebook and Instagram. I hope to catch up here soon. Just wanted to say…I’m still alive!
Every day we are presented myriad choices, from the first moment of the day until the last. Awareness of our choices empowers us. Deeply attuned to our core values we make choices that align us with our vision. The past brought me here, but where I go depends entirely on who I choose to be. I chose to make this short and sweet. I’m tired because I chose to work this weekend. I choose to work hard because I’m happy to provide a good life for myself and my kids. I choose to breathe now, and practice gratitude for what I’ve been given, and for making the choice to receive it.
This house. This magical house. In January of this year my house was sold at foreclosure auction; my name wasn’t on the title or the deed, and there was nothing I could do to stop the sale. I was terrified. Not long after the sale I was told I had to move, and I didn’t know where to go. I just knew I wanted to keep my kids in their school. I tripled the number of yoga classes I was teaching, sent feelers out, and prayed more than I ever have. In July, a miracle. Friends of friends had a rental home in my kids’ school district and their renters wanted to break the lease early! We met, I brought my financial documents, and proved I was able to pay rent. And just like that, my kids and I had a place to move into! I left behind the betrayal and grief of my past and turned toward new possibilities, a new phase of my life. I am grateful for the miracles of community, strength and faith. Every night when I tuck my kids into bed, I thank God for this house. This magical house.