Was able to pay the dentist
right after having my teeth cleaned
(not cheap, out of pocket)
when the last two times before today
I had to say
Please mail me the invoice.
Thinking ahead about finding enough work
I reached out to my colleagues
and asked them to consider me
if they needed coverage for their classes.
I cooked an amazing dinner
for myself and my kids
and ate heartily
(yes, the woman who was diagnosed with anorexia
a year and a half ago, who was down to 98 lbs, yes,
that woman ate well and enjoyed her food)
And the biggest progress of all:
I feel good.
Let me say that again:
I FEEL GOOD
I FEEL GOOD!
It won’t feel like it’s mine
unless I’ve worked for it,
and so the Universe
is giving me a chance to work.
I can feel my old thinking
crop up sometimes,
when I feel tired in body and mind
and I’m longing for quiet and rest.
Old thoughts come back,
about deserving better,
about wishing it had gone differently,
outraged about circumstances
beyond my control.
But I’ve been practicing.
I’ve been practicing
day after day
I’ve been practicing hard.
And my new thinking
responds to the old
You don’t HAVE to do this,
you GET do to do this.
You aren’t a victim,
you are a powerful woman
who has been given an opportunity
to step into her power
and love herself back to health.
You are a fortunate woman
who has been led to wake up
to the beauty of the present moment
and express her gifts, talents and abilities
in service of all beings.
You are a work in progress,
you’ll never be done,
so keep working, woman,
It’s a blessing to have work I love,
a blessing to have enough of this work
to earn the income I need
to empower myself to move forward.
It’s a blessing to know that the work I do
benefits others, and leaves me feeling
a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.
I GET PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE…
this is a miracle.
As I dive deeper into my work,
and bring greater value to my clients
and the companies for whom I work,
and as I am told about the positive impact
I’m having on the lives of those I touch,
I am driven to keep going.
This month has been a marathon,
2-3 classes every day, no days off.
My body is tired
and yes, there is a part of me
that would love a vacation…
And yet, to be blessed with work I love,
to have the Universe present me
with this opportunity for gainful employment,
to create independence as a single mother
providing quality life for my children and myself,
this is true success, true wealth, true progress.
And truly, I am grateful.
A nightmare woke me up at 4:30am;
even with the light on I didn’t feel safe.
As sleep was out of the question at that point
I began to read and lost myself in bits about
blue-zone cultures and longevity.
And then breakfast and meditation
and yoga classes 1-2-3,
finishing at 12:30
talking on the drive home
with a dear friend in Colorado
going through some stuff of her own…
and reordering business cards
and thinking about writing an
“about me” for my website
which has lain dormant for two years,
and a shower, ahh…hot, beautiful water…
and then it struck me.
My daily life used to feel like a nightmare.
I would pray to god to give me beautiful dreams
so that I could find solace at night when I slept.
Now, between working as much as I can teaching yoga
and taking care of my two beautiful children,
my life has become more fluid and easy
and I feel more empowered.
This was the dream I was looking for
at this time last year.
and now it’s real.
Without knowing when it would happen or how,
I’ve lived into a more powerful version of myself.
Today I feel strong, healthy and happy.
In comparison to the nightmare it once was,
today my life feels beautiful and light.
And I am so grateful.
I’ve been working a lot harder
in order to make ends meet.
Between working and mothering
there isn’t much time or energy for anyting else.
They say all work and no play makes us dull,
but I feel so fortunate,
because I love my work.
I love teaching yoga.
I love helping my students relax and find center.
I am grateful that I get paid to help people be happier
with themselves, their bodies, their minds, their lives.
It somehow feels ok that I don’t have time
or money for a fancy vacation…
So maybe my work is my play?
At some point things will be clearer for me,
and I’ll be able to leverage my gifts, talents and abilities
to earn even more income doing what I love,
but until that time I’ll keep working hard
at this yoga teaching gig,
loving what I do,
loving the people who come to my classes,
loving that my work feels like play.
Working hard, day by day
to pick myself up, dust myself off,
and move forward.
Working hard, day by day
to provide the things we need
to live our best life.
Working hard, day by day,
to see my character defects
and what I can do to improve them.
Working hard, day by day,
to see how fortunate I already am,
and to give thanks for what I already have.
Sitting in ceremony this weekend,
I realized how very much my mind
still wants this moment to show up differently
and how much suffering
this wanting things to be different
stirs up in my life.
If I could only love and accept this moment as it is,
how would my experience be different?
Could I soften into this beauty?
Could I accept my own wholeness, my completeness?
Could I love this journey I’m on,
and learn to accept that uncertainty
is an integral part of the adventure?
I’m walking on the razor’s edge
between acceptance and resistance,
every moment, between peace and suffering.
I see how much choice I have,
and how much responsibility
to make the choice that will help and heal
instead of hurt and hinder.
As a mother, the choice becomes even more impactful.
My kids are watching me make meaning
out of all of these life experiences.
I’m teaching them every moment
how to love or how to fear this life.
God, please show me how to love.
God, show me how to love this life,
so that by the time my kids are my age,
they’ll know which choice to make.