Every day we are presented myriad choices, from the first moment of the day until the last. Awareness of our choices empowers us. Deeply attuned to our core values we make choices that align us with our vision. The past brought me here, but where I go depends entirely on who I choose to be. I chose to make this short and sweet. I’m tired because I chose to work this weekend. I choose to work hard because I’m happy to provide a good life for myself and my kids. I choose to breathe now, and practice gratitude for what I’ve been given, and for making the choice to receive it.
This house. This magical house. In January of this year my house was sold at foreclosure auction; my name wasn’t on the title or the deed, and there was nothing I could do to stop the sale. I was terrified. Not long after the sale I was told I had to move, and I didn’t know where to go. I just knew I wanted to keep my kids in their school. I tripled the number of yoga classes I was teaching, sent feelers out, and prayed more than I ever have. In July, a miracle. Friends of friends had a rental home in my kids’ school district and their renters wanted to break the lease early! We met, I brought my financial documents, and proved I was able to pay rent. And just like that, my kids and I had a place to move into! I left behind the betrayal and grief of my past and turned toward new possibilities, a new phase of my life. I am grateful for the miracles of community, strength and faith. Every night when I tuck my kids into bed, I thank God for this house. This magical house.
It’s beginning to finally look somewhat like Christmas around my house. We have a tree; my kids and I decorated this evening. We listened to Christmas carols and hung up ornaments. I’m going to bed thinking Not bad for a single mom.
Jaded, yet plugging along at this thing called daily life. I want so much to be understood by someone who doesn’t charge me an hourly rate. I’m tired of being tired, tired of being grumpy, tired of being overextended. Every day I write what I’m grateful for, I remember how blessed I am, I give thanks. And, I’m waiting for more. I’m waiting for ease, for connection, for direction. Maybe I shouldn’t wait, but who has the energy to leap up, go out, and manifest a whole new life? I’ll just breathe and see if I can reclaim my sanity.
The resistance rises up. Wanting to be more energized, less tired. Wanting to feel more confident, less worried. Wanting to feel more supported, less alone. Wanting to feel more peaceful, less stressed. On the heels of the resistance, stories… Stories about injustice, mistreatment, a wish for vindication, retribution. I can feel my body contract. I know this thinking isn’t healthy and I feel powerless to stop it. I know I need to pray, and even this evokes anger and the question Why do I have to try so hard? I guess I haven’t really surrendered yet. I guess I’m still trying to control the moment. I want to let go. Lord God, show me how to let go.
Slowing down, taking time… Body run down says Stop. Rest. I listen. I rest as much as I can in between classes. It would be so easy to blame. To go back into victim mode and complain about the upheaval. But that’s not congruent with who I am. Who I am is strong. Who I am is loving. Who I am is resourceful, creative, inspired. Who I am is kind. So instead of looking out and blaming, I look in and ask, What can be done now? My body says Rest. I listen. I rest.