Tag Archives: sleep deprivation

Still Alive

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Hi friends…
While I was away teaching yoga on retreat
(and I didn’t have access to Wifi)
I fell behind on my posts, as you can see.
And then I came back home and my son was sick
and I’ve been sleep deprived, overworked,
overwhelmed and undernourished.
Nonetheless,
I kept plodding away at my posts
for my 48 days of gratitude
and I continued posting them
to Facebook and Instagram.
I hope to catch up here soon.
Just wanted to say…I’m still alive!

Somewhere Around 3am

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I awoke in terror
in the middle of the night.
I tried to sleep,
but eventually got up.
It was 3am.
I sat, breathed,
forced myself to smile.
I read from my daily devotionals
(nine in all),
ate some breakfast,
went back to bed.
It was 5am.
Then my son woke me up.
It was 6:30am.
I asked him
to get himself some cereal.
At 7 years old,
he can do that
(thank God).
I tried to sleep.
I did, for a little while.
Then I got up. Again.
It was 8:42am.
I made it through final preparations
for teaching a yoga class
and leading a training.
The sitter came to watch my kids,
I drove to the studio
and found myself
in front of a room full of students.
It was 11:45 am.
I taught my class,
drove to another studio
and found myself
in front of a room full of teachers.
It was 2pm.
I led a four hour training,
drove back home,
took care of my kids,
got them showered,
settled down here at my desk.
It was 8:51pm.
Now I’m feeling crazy.
It’s 9:08 pm.
I have no idea where my mind is.
Probably wandering
somewhere around 3am.

Wish Me Luck

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Sleep deprivation.
Kids woke me up at night.
Lost my temper. Yelled.
Felt ashamed.
Too angry to sleep.
Tossed and turned all night.
Morning came. Groggy.
Meditation was a joke.
Meditated anyway.
Worried my teaching would be compromised.
Taught two yoga classes anyway.
Grocery store, card declined,
scrambling to scrape up money;
a girlfriend lent me the rest of what I needed.
(Had to drive to her house to borrow a card
and drive it back again.)
Embarrassed.
Ashamed.
Depressed.
Turned it around,
made dinner,
read the kids a story.
Snuggled my son.
He said he loved me.
Then he said he loved his dad.
The he said he loved the other woman.
He said her name as we were snuggling.
The kids went to their rooms. To bed.
I lost it again.
I was slamming and screaming
This isn’t fair!
I don’t deserve this.
Slamming and screaming.
Don’t traumatize the children.
I asked my husband to get the kids.
I told him I needed to get help.
He came and got them.
My daughter cried;
she didn’t want to leave.
I tried to reassure her that I’m going to be ok.
I was trying to reassure myself too.
Guilty.
Ashamed.
Tired.
Feeling defeated.
Spoke with two recovery friends.
Feeling a little better.
Trying to rest now.
Wish me luck.

Mother’s Acrostic Day

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To sleep more is a dream
I think about what that means
Realizing that there is so much to do
Everyone else has needs too
Downward spiral if this continues.

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It’s late on Mother’s Day, and as I contemplated what I was going to write tonight I found this acrostic I wrote back in April hiding in my drafts. ┬áIt seemed fitting to publish it tonight; exhaustion has been a key traveling companion on this journey of motherhood, and I’m sure all mothers everywhere can give me an “AMEN!” on that one.