I want to get creative. I want to paint draw write dance sing knit sew cook do yoga. I look around my house. It’s cluttered, disorganized. I can’t create with my house like this, I tell myself. So I pick up. Dust. Vacuum. Put away. Organize. I look around my house again. It’s beautiful. Neat. Luminous. But now I’m so damn tired I no longer have the energy to create! Maybe I need to learn how to create regardless of the neatness of my space.
We might feel haunted but what needs to get done. We might feel driven to achieve success, and we might believe that we’ll be happy once we do. I am one of those people. I am also fortunate to have teachers, mentors, guides and wise ones show me a different way. When I feel haunted by the to do list, I can pause. When I think I need to be more successful, I can pause. The household chores don’t all have to get done at once. I don’t need to achieve overnight success. I don’t have to prove myself to the world. I can pause to enjoy where I am and who I am right now. What a relief!
Looking out through these eyes I sometimes forget that what others see is no less valid than what appears true to me. When I get still and look within I envision a universe where all truths can coexist respectfully leaving space for what is true for you and what is true for me.
Your mind is always trying to fix things; don’t listen to it, it can’t see the whole picture. Your unconscious wounds are pushing you to numb out, because feeling feels unsafe; don’t numb out, we need you here, ALL of you. There’s another aspect of you, the space of awareness, bigger than your body, bigger than your mind or your wounds. It surrounds you; it holds you; it loves you and sees you always. Stay in that space. Just let yourself be held. You’ll feel and know that all truly is well.
Ok. Brace yourselves. I’m almost all the way moved in. Just one or two more CARLOADS. I mean…how did I accumulate all this stuff? People are telling me Just be patient. You just moved in. Unpacking takes time. And I’m thinking I have way too much stuff. I hoping that my letting go muscle will get stronger and stronger as I go through this. I took one carload to Goodwill today… toys, shoes, baby clothes, rugs, shower curtains, towels… and a beautiful (expensive) bedspread that we got as a wedding present… I looked at it last night and thought, I couldn’t possibly take a new lover into my bed with this thing on it. (I mean, I’ve been celibate for 2.5 years, but maybe someday there will be a lover in my midst…) And so this bedspread had to go. I keep holding a vision of myself in a better place and I look at these objects and ask if I want to take them with me into my future. If it doesn’t fit with my future vision, I let it go. I didn’t realize that I had been working so hard my whole entire life to arrive in this moment with enough strength to simply let go.
Back and forth and back and forth between the two worlds. And slowly what was before is transferred over to what is now. If I keep taking this stuff with me wherever I go, I’ll keep having the same experiences over and over and over. I’m ready for something different, but I need to learn to let go. I can hear the shaming voice, the one who blames me, who tells me I never get anything right. And then I need to just sit and breathe and remember, I can’t get this wrong. No matter what happens, life will hold me. Can I surrender into this infinite embrace, and just allow what is to be?
As a teacher I can be in control; I tell you what to do, and I expect you to do it. But when I’m the student, I get antsy…I want to fiddle with things. Tonight I was a student in a breathwork class. I remembered the necessity of trust and surrender, allowing the teacher to hold the space for me. It felt strange at first, because I am chronically the one who does the holding. As I breathed and the layers of my emotional body were peeled back to reveal what was percolating underneath it all, I remembered the saying How you do anything is how you do everything. I thought about how LIfe as my teacher must get so frustrated with me, my fiddling. Life just wants me to trust and surrender, allowing the space to be held for me, allowing myself to be held.