I’ve been practicing this Wim Hof breathing video every day for almost a week… It’s eaten into my music time on my cushion, but now I’m breathing more consciously— and maybe when my breath is strong enough, I will breathe consciously as I play my music. I have been preparing for this moment for so long: Where I feel totally free and at ease, allowing myself to create authentically from my deepest center, letting the love of life, of presence flow from me, radiating harmony into the world.
We trekked into the forest today, my son, my daughter and I, and I was amazed at how our outing provided so much of what my heart was yearning for: First, to be with my two most favorite people. Second, to spend time in the green cathedral. Third, to move slowly, with the wind, breathing. Fourth, to open my eyes to what Spirit is seeing. And finally, to feel free in space and time, soaking in the present moment, grateful, So grateful.
Spirit: Time to get up and meditate. Mind: Nope. I wanna sleep in. Spirit: Time to get up and meditate. Mind (whining): But I wanna just be comfyyyyyyy. Spirit: Get up and meditate. Now. Body (silently) gets up, gets dressed, goes downstairs and meditates. Takeaway: Spirit always wins, thanks to discipline.
The voice clearly said Bring your guitar and sing them the song. And she shook her head, thinking, No way. But the voice repeated Bring your guitar, and sing them the song. They went back and forth a few more times, until she acquiesced. She brought her guitar, she sang them the song. And then silence… So she asked the voice Why would you have me sing if they didn’t even acknowledge the song? And the voice said, It’s not about them, darling, It’s about how you relate to yourself when you step outside your box and let your voice be heard. Now, keep singing.
I wake up gently before the sun and my first thought is Thank you. Thank you for another day on this planet. I am excited for the possibilities of this day. I remember my children will meet their teachers. I remember I have laundry to do. I remember that I need to start packing up this house. I remember that this can all wait until I sit, and check in with the Source, the consciousness within me that spins out all of these perceptions and weaves them together to create the experience of a single mother waking up to greet another day. If I am right with the One within, then my day will flow with beauty. I am grateful for this time. I remember that although I have a body I am not simply this body. Or this mind. Or these circumstances. I am Spirit, clothed in form, and the degree to which I can remember and stay present is the degree to which my light will shine to illuminate the form in which I move and breathe and express, the degree to which my circumstances will be illuminated, my choices made clear, my committment firmed, my conviction made manifest in action. And so, first things first. I wake up, and I sit. And it is good.
Back from a healing ceremony where many tears were shed and songs were sung and layers upon layers of old outworn behaviors and patterns of thinking were peeled up and released. I pray that I can stay clear and open. I recognized in the middle of ceremony that there is nothing to escape from… that this desire to get away is an old survival mechanism that no longer helps me. I sat up tall and still in the middle of extreme discomfort And I heard Spirit whispering to me Stop fighting. Just surrender. Let grace move through you. Let go. Release. Trust. It was a long night. Neural circuitry was being rewired. Birth can be so painful. I just wanted to be free from the grip of my fear and the stranglehold of my past. I kept breathing throught this desire for freedom, kept breathing through my fear, my doubt, my judgment. Finally, finally, I came to see that no matter what arises in my experience it is always here to serve my awakening. If I can just remember that one thing, I could maybe, just maybe, learn to trust in this moment.
Every day, when I sit down meditate, I light a candle and I invoke the Archangels. I pray to them to help me see what needs to be seen hear what needs to be heard do what needs to be done speak what needs to be spoken release what needs to be released receive what needs to be received. Today a human angel showed up to help me clear some old stuff from my house and make room for the new Already my house and my soul are breathing easier. Do you see? Prayers work.
Feeling a little lost today… it’s probably because I was up late last night creating. It’s amazing how the inspiration strikes and not necessarily when it’s convenient, and then afterwards I see how this willingness to answer the muse is a sacrifice of sorts. I give of my time and energy, and now I have this art. I have to give to receive. Can I trust that what I’m willing to give is enough? Can I trust that the light will pour through me in exactly the way that it’s meant to? Can I trust that there are no mistakes, only opportunities to learn and grow?
There is a struggle between the old way and the new, an attachment to familiarity and a yearning to break free. My body is tired and my mind is weary but my soul knows this is the only game in town, and so it says, Keep playing.