As a teacher I can be in control;
I tell you what to do,
and I expect you to do it.
But when I’m the student,
I get antsy…I want to fiddle with things.
Tonight I was a student
in a breathwork class.
I remembered the necessity of trust
allowing the teacher to hold the space for me.
It felt strange at first,
because I am chronically the one who does the holding.
As I breathed
and the layers of my emotional body were peeled back
to reveal what was percolating underneath it all,
I remembered the saying
How you do anything is how you do everything.
I thought about how LIfe as my teacher
must get so frustrated with me, my fiddling.
Life just wants me to trust and surrender,
allowing the space to be held for me,
allowing myself to be held.
Today I was a student*,
and I felt so grateful
that for once
I didn’t have to prepare the lesson.
I love it when my only job
is to be open to new learning.
I think I’ll be a student
*Today was Day 1 of Nikki Myers weekend-long Y12SR training. I am so grateful to spend the next two days with other yoga teachers who are interested in learning about sustainable recovery from addiction, and who want to apply this learning to bring value to countless beings walking the path of recovery.
I subbed out my morning class
I subbed out my evening class
I subbed out tomorrow morning’s class too.
The yoga teacher needs to stay home
and remember she is still a student.
Somehow my yoga is simply being with my body
in this state of illness, exhaustion.
I need to really feel and notice what has happened.
The worry and the stress wore away at me
and here I am.
If I won’t learn the lesson this time,
it will just keep repeating itself until I do.
I want to learn.
I am ready to learn.
To set down the burden
of needing to know
of needing to prove what I know
of needing the approval of others
and to stand
with childlike wonder
about this amazing life–
this is freedom.
With spaciousness like this
within my heart, within my mind
life never ceases
to surprise and delight me,
and I am so grateful.
May I set down the burden
of an expert’s mask,
and stand innocently
waiting to be taught
by whomever and whatever
will teach me.
I am excited to be learning
for the rest of my life.
Thank you life.
As I sit preparing another class,
looking in book after book,
and on site after site
to find the perfect words to express
that which is beyond words,
to frame that which
cannot be contained,
I muse about how I’ll always be a student.
This is good.
This keeps me humble.
This allows me to meet my students
where they are
and feel compassion for their process.
And then I feel a need to drop the labels.
I am not a womanmotherteacherstudentfrienddaughteremployeewriter
I am a being who shares some of what I know,
who is grateful for what others share,
who is glad to relax into being,
into the place beyond words.
It is such a joy
being a student again.
I didn’t have to speak–
I could listen
I didn’t have to watch
I could watch myself.
I didn’t have to plan a class
or walk around
making sure everyone
was focusing on their practice–
I could focus on my own practice,
my own body, my own breath.
It felt like a vacation!
I felt delighted.
It all felt so playful and free.
It is such a joy
being a student again.
The Sanskrit workshop came to a close, and I wondered when I’d be able to study the alphabet again. We discussed study groups, other workshops and trainings; I hope to review what I learned this weekend, add to what I have learned, and be more adept at the language. It’s wonderful to be a student, to have the freedom to watch the teacher and absorb the information.
Now I am feeling so wiped out, so here’s a poem. Good night everyone.
I love being the student,
for one moment setting down the responsibility of teacher,
and with nothing to prove, just being present
and enjoying what is in front of me.
I wish for a lifetime of moments spent learning.
The day I’ll be done learning is the day this body is shed.
Yes, I will be a lifelong learner–
nothing to prove, just going within and accepting this self
After a lifetime of learning, I might finally know who I really am.