It’s Sunday night at 9:00. I’m sitting here in my meditation room not sure about what I want to write. I’m tired. I taught two times today; there were 25 students in my class this morning, and 29 students showed up to my evening class. Fifty-four students breathed and moved and found stillness with me today. I feel so honored to have their willingness and their trust for the span of a class. I love it when they laugh at my jokes. I love to hear everyone breathing. I’m so grateful to be excited about my work, to want to show up, to enjoy it while I’m doing it, to feel calm and blissful afterwards. How fortunate I am to sincerely love my job.
And I’m tired. My mind is a bit sluggish at this point, and it’s not giving me too many exciting ideas. I’ve been tired so frequently since becoming a parent, I’m almost used to it, but I wonder what I’d be saying if I felt fresh and well-rested.
More tote bags are on the horizon. I have a fairly large block of time in between my two Sunday classes and headed over to the fabric store after my first class let out. It was such a treat being by myself, able to take time to examine fabrics, choose colors and textures, really commune with them. Normally I have my two little ones with me when I go to the store, and much of my energy goes toward keeping my son from pulling bolts of fabric off the shelf, or preventing my daughter from undoing spools of thread. It means that I end up getting in and out of the store as quickly as possible, and I leave feeling like I’ve been wrestling with tornadoes.
But not today. Today I was by myself and strolled at a leisurely pace through the aisles. I wondered what people make with pink vinyl and black pleather. I chose some purple knit fabric to make myself some yoga pants, and I kind of went overboard buying lots of different fabrics for many more totes. It was just so exciting to pick fabrics for specific people, and play with different mixes of color and texture. I reasoned that I’ll be making these tote bags as gifts, spending the money now so that I won’t have to later. It took a while to get through all of my fabrics at the cutting counter, but the lady was methodical, kind and patient, and I was almost sad when it was over. Back home I went, with fun new fabric riding in the passenger seat.
Sigh. Husband wasn’t too thrilled that I spent money on fabric (again), but he seemed more relaxed about the whole thing after we talked. So much of marriage ends up being how to stay open, even when you don’t agree with your spouse. At least, this is what I’m learning to do in my marriage. Keep the communication flowing, speak honestly, directly, and from the heart, and resolve the disagreements before they end up exploding into craziness, or slowly smoldering into resentment.
I saw the kids for a little while after their afternoon nap, got them a snack, goofed around with them for a bit before it was time to leave to teach my second class. I even managed to squeeze in a moment to cut fabric for my next tote, which I’m sewing for my son. Don’t ask me what a nearly two year old boy is going to do with a tote. He’ll probably run around his room with it, singing, “Clean up! Clean up!” and putting his stuffed animals or his socks in the bag, before dumping it out and starting the whole process over again. That little boy makes me smile, and I love him more than words can express. He can do what he wants with the tote.
I reckon I better sign off before I grow too tired to meditate. I hope I can stay awake. Evening meditations are so challenging because I’m usually incredibly exhausted when I sit, and I spend a lot of my energy trying not to doze off. Recently I tried doing some deep breathing along with the silent repetition of passages, hoping that this would energize me, give me some clarity. It helped, but this too takes discipline, and by the end of the day there is something so seductive about giving in and just letting myself slip away into sleepy land.
Ok, that is all for now. Except, thank you life for this day. Thank you world. Thank you body. Thank you family. Thank you home. Thank you computer. Thank you mind.