Tag Archives: suicidal thinking

Healing the Hard Way

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This healing is taking so long.
One year later and I’m still angry,
still depressed, still believing sometimes
that I’d rather be dead than go through this.
At other times I’m grateful to be alive.
It feels like an endless roller coaster ride.
Is this how life is supposed to be?
I want stability. I want peace.
And yet…I want change. I want excitement.
Can there be room for all of these?
I’m tired of asking so many questions,
tired of so much unresolved stuff
whizzing around my head.
But isn’t this how I learn?
I dedicate the merit of my sit
to awakening in awareness of my true self
for the benefit of all beings.
Could it be that every one of these
painful experiences
has something to teach me?
Could it be that every single one
of these heartbreaking moments
is part of the plan?
I’m tired. I want to be healed.
Am I just healing the hard way?
And is there any easier way than this?

Nothing to Forgive

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This is healing:
It goes in spirals,
rarely in a straight line,
takes steps, hops and leaps,
sometimes goes so slowly it aches,
wondering how long
it will feel this way,
wanting it to change,
wanting to be different,
asking for patience
when thoughts stay the same
day after day after day.
Hoping for little changes,
giving thanks for what is here,
giving thanks for love, for life.
This is courage:
taking one more breath
when you question
the reason for your being here,
and when nothing seems
good enough to keep you here,
when you want to get away from yourself,
from everything,
when you want to escape
everything that ails you
and you believe
that nothing will help you,
and when you think
becoming nothing
would mean everything to you,
taking one more breath,
and deciding to stay,
you breathe again.
This is grace:
Letting the tears flow
until you’ve been washed clean
of the pain and sorrow
that you have carried
for longer than anyone
ever should have,
awakening from trance
and realizing
the poison and the antidote
always exist side by side,
opening your eyes,
for just a moment,
bearing witness
to the most incredible miracle
of presence,
seeing the flow of existence,
remembering there is nothing to fear,
there is nothing to forgive.

 

 

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giving thanks for love, for life,
you breathe again.
there is nothing to forgive.