Day two of teacher training for this month is over. I arrived home after 9pm; I left the house this morning at 8am. That’s a long time to be away from home, away from my two babies. In that time away, I taught a yoga class, had lunch, and spent eight hours learning more about yoga teaching with my fellow trainees.
Both of my kids were already asleep when I arrived; again I felt the waves of wistfulness at not seeing them, holding them, being there to tuck them in at bedtime.
I wonder if I’m learning everything I can in the training. I wonder if this was the right choice, to sign away a whole weekend every month from now until December so that I can enrich my teaching. Is this enrichment worth the price I pay in time away from my family? I know my struggle is not uncommon. I have read and heard about countless moms who have wanted to maintain a successful career and be a successful parent at the same time. Where’s the balance point? When does it become too much work? Why does family life end up not feeling fulfilling enough to just stay at home, to be present to these people closest too me? Why do I seek more? Should I want to feel fulfilled solely in my role as wife and mother? Is my wanting to have time outside of the house selfish?
Looking for that balance point…up to me to decide where it lies.
Knowing that there are no cut and dry answers to these big questions, I choose in this moment to let it all be enough. The effort I put in to this day, effort to be mother, wife, teacher, and student; effort to be caring, kind, and considerate; effort to give; effort to be real, to learn–even if some part of my mind tells me I could’ve done better, I choose in this moment to let my efforts be enough for this day. Some softness, some compassion for this Lorien who tries so hard to be good. Some acknowledgement that I have done enough, and now I can let myself rest. Acknowledgement that I am enough, I can let this self rest.
I tell my students all the time:
There is no goal, no finish line
No plan, no project, no agenda
No right or wrong,
Nothing to change or fix…
Nowhere else to go,
Nothing else to do,
but to just be here and breathe, well…
To breathe, to be present in this moment,
you can let it all be enough,
just for this moment.
In that space of allowing self to be,
Now there is the possibility
of flowing joy and contentment.
The struggle is swept away,
The burdens are eased,
and we come back home to this moment.
Let me practice what I preach.
Let me see myself as enough.
Let me breathe and remember
this perfect, unchanging
awareness that expands infinitely,
making more room to hold itself,
inviting presence to come back home,
in this just enough moment.