Growing up in the woods my fondest childhood memories are of the times I spent outside. The feel of the forest in early spring when the trees are just beginning to bud out. Sitting in an ocean of yellow buttercups. Bullfrog croaking, hazy summer afternoon, Patter of rain on countless leaves. Somehow on the way to becoming an adult I learned that laundry, grocery shopping and email were more important than making time for myself to get outside. I have deprived myself of this potent medicine oh, how I have been deprived… Yet sometimes when I get over myself and I take time to get outside, my soul is pretty much instantly restored. I get to bask in this incredible feeling of clarity, insight and harmony. When I am outside I receive the beauty, the space, the inspiration to move, dance, BE with what is. In my dreaming I merge with the Universal Intelligence. In that place I am sending blessings of love in all directions.
I can’t know what’s next; I can only know what’s now. I’m not sure how much of me is really here to look deeply into what is. I wonder how much of me is truly available to receive this present. I keep practicing. One day, I might awaken to what I already knew long ago before the world taught me about past and future.
I awoke in terror in the middle of the night. I tried to sleep, but eventually got up. It was 3am. I sat, breathed, forced myself to smile. I read from my daily devotionals (nine in all), ate some breakfast, went back to bed. It was 5am. Then my son woke me up. It was 6:30am. I asked him to get himself some cereal. At 7 years old, he can do that (thank God). I tried to sleep. I did, for a little while. Then I got up. Again. It was 8:42am. I made it through final preparations for teaching a yoga class and leading a training. The sitter came to watch my kids, I drove to the studio and found myself in front of a room full of students. It was 11:45 am. I taught my class, drove to another studio and found myself in front of a room full of teachers. It was 2pm. I led a four hour training, drove back home, took care of my kids, got them showered, settled down here at my desk. It was 8:51pm. Now I’m feeling crazy. It’s 9:08 pm. I have no idea where my mind is. Probably wandering somewhere around 3am.
Creativity takes time,
and I’m taking mine.
It might appear
to those who want to smear
my good name across the floor
that I’m good for nothing,
and should be doing more.
But I know better.
I’m learning and growing,
and knowing that 99% of the work I’m doing
is invisible—I don’t expect anyone to see me.
I don’t need anyone’s approval.
I don’t care what people think about me.
I’ll take as much time as I need
to process this new information,
and when I’m ready,
I’ll move on.
Creativity takes time,
and I’m working on my greatest
masterpiece yet— my life.
Woke up sick…
I’m wondering how to be well,
even when I feel like this.
I have my kids,
it’s summer vacation.
I would’ve preferred
to be a fun energetic mom,
you don’t always get what you want.
Can I drop the guilt at the increased TV time for them,
so that I can have increased rest time for me?
I guess I’m going to have to.
Guilt won’t make me well.
Only love, acceptance and time will.
Could I simply relax into this moment,
dive off the rigid, wire thin line of “normal”
and just immerse myself in this ocean of being?
I want to know what it’s like to love fully,
to feel content, at peace with myself,
to look out into the world
with eyes of compassion,
to cherish all beings
with the immense heart of the Buddha.
I think all of this will happen some day,
and then I remember,
it all has to happen right now.
And then I realize Some day IS right now.