On the mend…
drank broth for the first half of the day to regain my strength.
It struck me what an unconvenience being sick is,
and how I frequently take for granted my good health,
and how moments like what I endured yesterday
serve to remind me how fortunate I am
to be a person who is healthy most of the time.
Now I’m just so tired,
after getting my kids back from their father,
and doing the single mom thing all day,
the meals, the snacks,
throwing them outside to soak in the springtime,
diverting their attention from electronics,
encouraging connection with the earth,
getting them to read, and practice their music,
and make something with their hands…
all of this takes energy, and I am depleted.
I pray I’ll sleep well tonight.
This mama is tired beyond words.
I stayed up until 3am sewing masks.
Today I sewed more masks.
I’m glad I can sew, glad I have fabric,
glad I can help in some way.
But I am so, so tired now.
I remember that if I’m running on empty
I can’t fill anyone else up.
Somehow I managed to make it through today,
being a mom, being an adult,
being someone who wants to help by making masks.
We had three good meals and plenty of snacks,
we went on a walk in the beautiful sunshine.
We laughed, talked, shared,
and I short-circuited plenty of little spats
with my own brand of silly mom humor.
But now I’m empty, barely running on fumes.
There’s only one thing left to do
(after showering and brushing my teeth, of course)—
GO TO BED EARLY!
I had set the goal of getting to bed by 10.
It’s almost 10:30.
I’m not even checking out the NaPoWriMo prompt.
This will have to suffice!
Night night friends!
(I am calling this a poem…using my poetic license)
I’ve arrived at that barely functional place
at the end of a long, busy day.
My body feels ready for sleep,
my mind is surprisingly calm.
I float in and out of awareness
that this house I’m living in
is no longer my house
and my children and I will have to leave
someday very soon.
The feeling isn’t as terrifying or devastating
as it was before…
Have I come to a place of acceptance?
and so much to do.
My mind keeps heckling me,
I need to do this and I need to do that…
but I’m so tired.
I’ve been up since 4:30 am,
going since then,
and my body just wants rest.
But how will I get it all done?
I tell myself I love myself no matter what.
I try to believe myself.
I take another breath.
I remember that it can’t all get done at once.
I take another breath.
I write this poem.
I’ll celebrate this win,
remind myself it will be ok.
I’ll breathe again,
and figure out what’s next.
I am so tired
I feel it in my bones.
I’d love some energy for me
now that day is done,
time to write, to think,
to dream about what is to come.
But with kids in bed
I’m so out of my head tired
all I have the energy to do
is brush my teeth
and get to bed myself.
What a party animal I’ve become!
This is when the old thoughts return,
and I have to fight
to keep them from taking hold again.
I pray for rest, for blessed
for tomorrow is coming soon
and I have promises to keep.
Why am I so grumpy,
Why do I keep snapping at my kids?
Why is my house such a mess?
Why do I feel angry at my husband again?
Why does my life feel so disorganized?
Why am I so disappointed in myself
and everything about my current situation?
it’s time for bed.
No motivation for anything
Too tired to wash my face,
so I’ll go to sleep with mascara on
and face the music in the morning.
We are heading out
into the desert
after a day of journeying
We are tired
and here we go again
into the desert
to create a solo circle
and sit alone in the dark.
Our guide told us
Watch how the ego
wants to deny you
a new experience.
Stay with what you’re feeling.
Wish us luck!
I wake up anxious
and it isn’t yet the middle of the night.
Ah, it’s going to be a long one.
Two hours later
and still sleep hasn’t come.
I close my eyes,
I hope and hope for respite.
I look at the time,
each hour crawling by
so slowly it’s painful.
The morning comes finally.
I take my seat,
dive into my practice,
find enough of my Self
to act like everything is okay
when he leaves the house early
without telling me why.
I ask no questions.
It’s better that way.