Tag Archives: training

A Note to My Brain

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Dear Brain,

The jig is up.
I’m on to you.
I know how you work now.

I know that you’ve been conditioned
to believe negative thoughts,
and you are going to keep regurgitating
these thoughts
until I choose to train you otherwise.

Well, my dear brain,
I’m choosing to train you otherwise.

I won’t believe all those horrid things he said.
Not anymore.
I won’t believe that I was worthless.
I won’t believe that it was all my fault.
I won’t believe that I was just a taker—
I know I wasn’t.

Brain, it’s time for the TRUTH.
I did everything I could.
I was ENTITLED to my own thoughts and feelings.
It just didn’t work out between us,
and this wasn’t my fault.
I tried to get us to marital therapy.
I tired to share my experiences, my hopes and fears.
I thought if I worked hard enough on me,
things would get better.
They didn’t.
It’s not my fault.

Brain, I can’t stay married
to someone who just doesn’t love me, okay?
I can’t stay married to someone
who isn’t willing to be responsible for their part.
I can’t stay married to someone who blames me
for everything that goes wrong in their life.

Brain, I deserve more, do you hear me?
I deserve so much more.

I deserve someone who loves me
not in spite of my shortcomings
but because of them.

I deserve someone who lights up
when I walk into the room.

I deserve to be made love to
so tenderly and sweetly,
with care and reverence.

I deserve to be celebrated for my gifts,
and supported and encouraged in their expression.

After all this time, brain, the jig is up.
You don’t get to tell me how this goes anymore.
I don’t want my present to be a recycled version
of my painful past.

I get to choose. And I choose love.
And health. And happiness. And celebration.
Thanks for listening.

Sincerely yours,

Lorien

Heading to California

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Friends!  I’ll be in California at an energy work intensive for the next week.  I’ve chosen to leave my laptop at home so that I can focus on other pursuits…like connecting with the people around me and noticing the pace of nature.  I’ll see you on the other side, hopefully with insights and some kind of newly awakened power to share!  Best wishes to all of you. 🌈✨🙏🏻❤️

Begin Here. Start Now.

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We can’t start anywhere else
so may as well start
right where we are.
Don’t wait to be a better person.
What is that anyway?
A warrior trains with what is here.
This life of awakening gives us what we need
to learn, to grow, to expand,
to be more present
in our own clear, tender heart space.
Past and future are illusion.
We only have this one blessed moment.
Begin here.
Start now.

Training Day 2

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Goodness, am I tired.  Such a long day! First I taught my regular Saturday morning beginner yoga class, then I headed over to Wholefoods to grab a bite before my journey back to the yoga studio for our second day of the five hundred hour teacher training.  It began at 12:30pm and ended at 8:30pm.  I can tell from the soreness in my body that I haven’t been practicing regularly enough.  I want to make time for my personal practice–truly essential to my yoga teachings–so that I may be authentic, grounded in direct experience.

I found myself missing my little kiddos, aching to see them and hold them and kiss their heads.

And it’s good to be spending time in the context of student, opening myself to learning.

So many mixed thoughts and feelings.  I’m excited to gain more expertise in this work that I dearly love.  Building a community of yoga teachers that are wanting to evolve in their teachings–this is heaven for me.  We had a beautiful family-style meal at 4pm; everyone brought something to share and we passed dishes around, filled our bowls, blessed the food, and nourished our bodies.  Only vegan dishes permitted, no sugar, no flour, minimal or no processing–yes, more heaven.  Learning more and more and more, getting to know my fellow trainees, share time together, become a family of sorts; we’ll be meeting for a weekend each month up through December.  Anticipating all of the wonderful experiences we will have together.

And yet, as I sat there today listening to my teachers speak of breath work and artful alignment cues, I found myself missing my children, wondering if this was the right choice.  I miss them so much it hurts.

And I’m so tired, so I won’t be writing anything more. This body is sore and in need of rest, and I want to be compassionate, honor its needs, so off I go to dreamland.

Night night friends.

 

The First Night of My Five Hundred Hour Yoga Teacher Training

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One of my strongest desires as a yoga teacher is to deepen my understanding of the practice, of this world, this life so that I can bring authenticity, and the true power to help and to heal to my students.  With that desire in mind, I decided to enroll in the five hundred hour teacher training offered by the same woman who taught my two hundred hour training.  For one weekend a month, from now until December, I will convene with twenty-six other students (assuming everyone stays for the long haul) and we will deepen our understanding of the practice, of this world, this life, together.  We will build a community, we will share our hearts, and move our bodies, we will practice being teachers and students, we will witness our strengths and our shortcomings.  I look forward to the strong network of support that arises in such a community, the feeling of safe space, of being held within a bubble of compassion…I missed that when my two hundred hour training came to a close.  I’m glad to be back in the same room, ready to learn and expand beyond my current understanding.

Tonight was the first night of our training.  Full of many mixed emotions ranging from excitement to anxiety, I rolled out my mat, sat down and tried to remain centered as I took in the energy of the room.  Our teacher began with a mini-lesson on the Sanskrit alphabet; she admitted she was stalling because one of our fellow trainees was having a tough time finding parking.  I tried to listen during that time, but she was drawing the characters on a whiteboard about thirty feet away from me, and the light was quite dim, and I’m a visual learner, so I kind of tuned out from time to time.  That’s okay, I told myself, because I can google “Sanskrit alphabet” any time I want and get the whole thing printed out with very little effort on my part.  It made me feel a little smug to watch some of my fellows scribbling away furiously.  It’s funny how the mind works.

We practiced a bit  of asana together, and I was surprised to note how rusty I feel.  I spend so much of my time teaching, so much of my time caring for my two children, and the house, and just being in a car getting myself here and there to the seven classes I teach a week…I leave very little time to attend to my own asana practice.  I was flooded with more mixed emotions as I took this precious time to feel my body, breathe deeply and slowly, and notice where I’m out of practice, and also where I’ve grown.  I could feel some of the benefits of my meditation practice spilling over into my asana practice tonight.  Just the awareness of my monkey mind, and the realization that this chatter is normal was somehow so comforting.  I’ve shown up for my meditation practice, sitting with the monkey mind, for 946  days now–so I’m quite familiar by this point of the lengths to which my mind will go to keep me from being present in this moment.   This simple awareness that my chattery mind is normal made it all okay as I watched the judgments, the fears, the hopes, the sadness, the doubt, the relief arising, cresting, receding, over and over again.

A lot more happened, but it’s 11:38 pm, I’m tired, and I have to be up early to teach a class in the morning before I show up to day two of my training in the early afternoon.

Suffice it to say, I look forward to our next meeting.

Peaceful dreams, everyone in the entire universe. May we all be happy, healthy, and at ease.