Tag Archives: trapped

Losing My Will

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The deepest pain,
with no beginning and no end,
inherited and bequeathed
generation to generation,
arrived at my doorstep
packaged neatly—
and I was tricked
into accepting it as mine.
What now?
Trapped in the abyss
so dark I cannot see my hands
reaching ahead of me,
I’m tripping, stumbling,
trying to find one tiny glimmer of hope,
trying to find a reason to keep going.
A prisoner of my mind
I cannot see past the immediate
feeling of suffocation,
cannot feel past the ocean of grief
that keeps pulling me under,
and under again.
The unrelenting waves mock my struggle;
they keep coming and laughing,
knowing that eventually I’ll lose my will to fight.

A Love Letter From My Emotional System

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Dear Lorien,

See? Now your husband is upset with you. You might as well give up on writing, yoga teaching, and meditating, because this quest to find yourself is ruining your marriage. Just who do you think you are? Do you need a reminder?

Let us remind you of a few things:

1)You are not allowed to be happy. Any steps you take in this direction will ruin your chances of finding closeness with the people in your life. So suck it up, and do what they want, because otherwise you’ll end up lost and alone.

2)You don’t have any creative talents or abilities. Any thoughts stating otherwise are pure delusion. If you persist in thinking that your sadness has a root, and that this root may be the unmet need to create, then you will be placed on mind-altering medication. You will proceed to take this medication for the rest of your life. Stop trying to create, it won’t help anything…it will only make things worse.

3)You are not lovable. Any attempts to gain the love and support of any being, whether family, friend or stranger, whether plant or animal, will backfire and cause more pain. Get used to being lonely. There is something inherently repulsive about you, and people can sense it. Don’t try to get too close to anyone, you will only end up disappointed. They will desert you once they see you for who you really are.

4)You are only allowed to work for the benefit of others, and only as long as you feel resentful and bitter while you’re doing it. Ask everyone around you what you’re supposed to be doing, and follow their prescriptions for your work. You are not allowed to think for yourself. Thinking may give rise to feelings, and all feelings lead to depression, hopelessness and misery. Put your nose to the grindstone and do what you are told.

5)Stop meditating. You haven’t made progress in the nearly 900 days that you have been practicing, so why keep trying? Can’t you see that this time you take for yourself is driving a wedge between you and your husband? He needs you. He needs you to be who he wants you to be. So don’t write any more blog posts, and don’t meditate. Instead, you must sit on the couch and watch Top Gear, Pawn Stars, Chasing Classic Cars, and How It’s Made. You must focus all of your attention on him as he watches TV. You are here to make him happy. This is your function. If he is unhappy, you have failed. You better change right now, or your marriage will be further jeopardized.

6)Above all, remember that we need you to be miserable, so don’t do anything that makes you happy. We do not tolerate rebels here. If you choose to revolt, you will be destroyed.

Feel free to contact us with any questions you may have regarding the contents of this letter; we would be happy to clear up any ambiguities. And we would especially love to keep you awake at night to remind you  over and over again that you are destined to be miserable for the rest of your life. If we prevent you from sleeping, good! You don’t deserve to rest.

Love,

Your Emotional System