I can hear it even now,
the voice in my head
saying everything I do is wrong,
nothing I do is right.
It’s an old voice,
an anxious voice.
It’s the meaning I made
when as a child
my broken heart sought reasons
for not receiving the love,
I wanted and deserved.
But there is no blame.
There is this moment
and a brief space of clarity
where I can remember…
If I can hear the voice
and I can repeat what it is saying
then the voice isn’t me…
It’s just a habit. It’s an echo of the past.
My intellect can articulate this clearly,
but my body needs time to catch up.
It feels sad and mopey and droopy today,
like everything is wrong
and nothing is right.
How can I bring the clarity of my intellect
to bear on the traumatized inner child
who waits and waits and waits
for it all to be over,
that she is the one who is causing all the torment?
Healing isn’t linear and instantaenous…
and it takes time.
Now if only I could relax into the process
of awakening and remembering
the truth about myself…
If only I could land in a place
where these painful thoughts
no longer determine the color of my days…
That would be a miracle.
I moved a bunch of stuff in my house today
to revitalize the energy and give the space
a pick me up.
I moved a bunch of clutter
down to the basement today
because I couldn’t stand my living room anymore.
Wow. I have so much stuff!
Wow. I feel ashamed of how much stuff I have!
And somehow, I need to be compassionate,
because that works better than attacking myself.
Gee. Life gets complicated sometimes.
All I wanted to do was declutter my living room,
and I end up contemplating ancestral trauma,
the struggle for survival,
and the belief that we need to hold on to everything,
because we might need something later and feel regret if it’s not there.
The deeper I go, the more significant everything becomes.
Maybe I just need to lighten up!
As I continue to remain perplexed,
and my mind resists the fact that healing isn’t linear,
and so I cannot identify the end point—
it seems to me that the key to peace
must be acceptance.
I accept that my healing is non-linear
I accept that healing from trauma can be very messy
I accept that there are no clear start and finish lines.
And my mind expects that everything will change
now that I have found acceptance.
I accept that acceptance changes nothing
except the way I relate to this moment.
I accept this moment.
I accept this life.
I asked my inner critic to go on vacation
and invited my inner child to come out of hiding.
She still doesn’t trust me all the way.
I don’t blame her.
For so long I derived my identity
from a man who was unkind to me;
I tolerated the way he spoke to me,
accepted crumbs of affection,
thought this was the best I could do.
Now I need to build trust in myself,
and demonstrate to this little girl
that I am strong and capable enough
to provide for her,
that I love her,
that I am glad she is here,
and she is the most important person in my life.
Instead of just thinking about self-love,
I am working on feeling it, living it, expressing it.
God, show me how to love and care for myself
the way you love and care for me.
If I can just relax long enough to see it,
I can recognize that I am safe in this moment,
and that everything I was getting worked up about
was just stored memory in my body-mind.
I am actively trying to retrain this body-mind
to receive the message that ALL IS WELL
so that I can operate from a mindset of peace
rather than from one of reactivity.
Although the bulk of my work is invisible,
things are changing.
And when my inner world aligns
with the miraculous realm of
LOOK OUT WORLD!
Our brains are hardwired
for love, connection and belonging.
In the absence of these,
our system goes into
fight or flight.
I have been chronically isolated
for two years now.
Besides my children,
I have had no regular contact
with caring people.
I have been in fight or flight
for two years.
When your brain is in
fight or flight,
your human ability
to think and problem solve
by your reptilian impulse
to survive what is threatening you.
I have been operating
from my survival response
for two years now.
When you are in
fight or flight
for extended periods of time,
your system shuts down.
This is the burnout stage of stress.
I am burned out, traumatized
isolated, and terrified.
How am I supposed
to recreate my life in this state?
Back from a healing ceremony
where many tears were shed
and songs were sung
and layers upon layers
of old outworn behaviors
and patterns of thinking
were peeled up and released.
I pray that I can stay clear and open.
I recognized in the middle of ceremony
that there is nothing to escape from…
that this desire to get away
is an old survival mechanism
that no longer helps me.
I sat up tall and still
in the middle of extreme discomfort
And I heard Spirit whispering to me
Stop fighting. Just surrender.
Let grace move through you.
Let go. Release. Trust.
It was a long night.
Neural circuitry was being rewired.
Birth can be so painful.
I just wanted to be free
from the grip of my fear
and the stranglehold of my past.
I kept breathing throught this desire for freedom,
kept breathing through my fear,
my doubt, my judgment.
I came to see that no matter what arises
in my experience
it is always here to serve my awakening.
If I can just remember that one thing,
I could maybe, just maybe,
learn to trust in this moment.
Future is up in the air.
What will I do?
Where will I go?
Where will I live?
So easy to go back to victimhood,
and blame the one
who made these children with me.
Recovering from the lies and deceit,
the abandonment, betrayal and loss,
some days it’s enough
just to get out of bed
and take care of the kids.
And now I need to take care of myself,
provide for myself,
fill up the massive hole in my chest
that he left when he threw me away…
And it has been two years.
Healing isn’t linear…
it takes many twists and turns,
and there are many in-between moments
of not knowing what action to take.
Healing isn’t linear…
I just wish mine could be.
Who do I have to be for you
so that you’ll stop blaming me
and criticizing me for everything
that you perceive is wrong with this picture?
How do I have to act?
What do I have to say?
How do you need me to dress?
What, precisely, do I need to prove?
What task must I perform?
How much money do I need to make?
What do I do too much?
What do I do too little?
How should I style my hair?
Should I wear make-up?
What should I eat?
How much should I weigh?
How many friends should I have?
How often should I contact them?
What kind of car should I drive?
Where should I live?
How should I spend my time?
When should I rest?
When should I work?
Can you give me a list?
Will you promise me
that if can get it right—
you’ll love me?
I thought I had come such a long way,
that my healing was nearly complete,
and then I realized I was very wrong.
The last two years have been about
refocusing, recentering, stabilizing,
crafting a new vision, a new paradigm.
This is not healing,
this is course correction.
The work of healing remains.
As I find more stable ground
mentally, emotionally, and financially,
I begin to take the lid off
and peer inside.
I’m afraid of what I see:
pain older than I am
that was given to me
by people who were in pain,
who received their pain
from those who came before them,
and on and on it goes back
to the very first pain endured
by the ancestors of our ancestors
And I see that I am not tasked
simply with healing myself,
but healing my entire lineage.
No wonder I was in denial!
This stuff isn’t for the faint of heart.