Trust…this ability to have no idea what’s happening next but going ahead and trying anway. Today I had a chance to practice trust as I created a painting. Two years ago I had a chance to practice trust as my marriage fell apart. Every day I have the opportunity to trust the process of life. I give thanks to the teachers, mentors and guides who have shown me that it’s safe to let go and trust. May you trust the inherent wholeness of your life!
Loosening the ties that bind me to an old, outdated mode of being, learning to breathe deeply and slowly and really see how unique this present moment is, seeing how life has always provided me what I need, and trusting that it always will, it all becomes so simple. Life isn’t meant to be figured out, dissected, overburdened with assigned meaning— but one breath, one step, one moment, one day at a time, life is meant to be lived.
Learning to trust the Self… not the little ego self that’s always wanting and grasping and never satisfied, but the Divine Self, the deeper, more expansive Self, the One who moves with the currents of Nature and who listens and waits underneath the noise and turbulence of our contrived human sorrow. The One who waits for us to wake up, and pause, and breathe and see how beautiful peace is— this is the One I practice to know, this is the One I show up for every morning, this is the One I am when I become still and close my eyes, and journey inwards… This is the One I am learning to trust.
I asked my inner critic to go on vacation and invited my inner child to come out of hiding. She still doesn’t trust me all the way. I don’t blame her. For so long I derived my identity from a man who was unkind to me; I tolerated the way he spoke to me, accepted crumbs of affection, thought this was the best I could do. Now I need to build trust in myself, and demonstrate to this little girl that I am strong and capable enough to provide for her, that I love her, that I am glad she is here, and she is the most important person in my life. Instead of just thinking about self-love, I am working on feeling it, living it, expressing it. God, show me how to love and care for myself the way you love and care for me.
I’ve been turning my will and my life over to a power greater than myself… At first I was just dipping my toe into these waters, foreign waters, ones I was told to deny and mistrust. But it struck me one day that those who were telling me that a Higher Power didn’t exist weren’t happy people! Rule of Happiness #1: Don’t take advice from unhappy people. So I decided to try something different, and admit I knew nothing, and I had no control, and things had become unmanageable… and I began to pray… I turn this day over to you. I turn my life over to you. Guide me, let me surrender to your will, show me how to surrender gracefully, and let me do your good work this day. I’ve been praying like this for months. You know what is starting to happen? Peace. I think I’ll keep praying.
For a long time it felt like something was missing. I had been a Mrs. for so long, and now he was gone. There was an empty place in my bed, a hole in my heart, an vacant seat at the table, a void of presence in my life. But slowly, slowly, as time went on, I faced the one inside me who believed I couldn’t make it on my own. I worked hard. Day after day, I recommitted to my healing. I began to enjoy the company I kept in the quiet moments of solitude when I wasn’t working or mothering. It’s Saturday night and I’m alone. The highlight of my evening was a long soak in the tub. I love this moment. I love that nothing is missing. I love that I can feel my wholeness now. I love that I stayed alive for my healing.*
*If you’re reading this with a broken heart, having gone through a loss of a relationship or the loss of a loved one or the loss of something by which you formed your identity, please hang in there. It gets better. There were so many moments during my separation and divorce that the pain was so intense that I really thought I wanted to die. Thankfully I had Twelve Step Meetings, therapy and a few really good friends who helped me stay on this planet. On the other side of that terrible trial, I can look back and see what a gift it was. I am stronger now, and more capable of loving authentically. I have a clearer sense of who I am, and a much better idea of where I want to go and what I need to do to get there. There is hope, friend…hang in there.
Little by little a little becomes a lot. Day by day, step by step, breath by breath, eventually the pieces of the puzzle come together to reveal the coherent whole. Life is a mystery; we can only truly understand it looking backwards. Our faith, our belief in the unseen realm, will guide us through the challenges and the changes in fortune that mark a human life. If we are willing to stay the course, breathe, and believe, one day what we’re currently going through will make sense. So friend, will you breathe with me? Will you breathe and believe?