After being told for so long by the one I had pledged to love that there was something wrong with me, that I was good for nothing, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, and at the cause of all our collective misfortunes, it goes without saying that it feels quite refreshing to be alone. Without all of the noise, the criticism, the discouragement, the manipulation, the control and—let’s be plain—the abuse, I can finally begin to tease apart the threads of the veil that had been woven around my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart. I can finally begin to discern what is real and true for me, who I really am. As I learn to exist in this new reality and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds, I feel myself growing stronger, more sure of the good that surrounds me, the good within me. As I connect with and exist inside this good, I allow myself to dream about what is possible. I dream about deep, intimate connection first with myself, and then, one day, with another. I dream about a man who is aware of his presence, who sees his depth of awareness as his most valuable asset. I dream about myself standing in my power and grace with this man, who wants to honor me with his strength, as I honor him with my devotion. For now it is a dream. For now, a dream is enough.
I could hear this one song playing in my head all day long but I couldn’t remember the artist or the title or the album art… nothing. I kept reminding myself to just relax, I would find it when it was time. But the music haunted me, and I kept searching. I went through so many playlists, scouring… And I was struck (again) by how I deprive myself of this beautiful present when I’m searching for what isn’t there, what isn’t available, what isn’t clear, what isn’t understood. Finally, I let it go. I went about my business. I lived my life. I read. I ate. I went to a twelve-step meeting. I checked in with a friend via telephone. And then, much later, I heard the song playing in my mind again. I searched another playlist, and within one minute I found it. And I was struck (again) at how everything comes to me in the perfect time and space sequence… and especially when I just relax and allow life to unfold.
Feeling a little lost today… it’s probably because I was up late last night creating. It’s amazing how the inspiration strikes and not necessarily when it’s convenient, and then afterwards I see how this willingness to answer the muse is a sacrifice of sorts. I give of my time and energy, and now I have this art. I have to give to receive. Can I trust that what I’m willing to give is enough? Can I trust that the light will pour through me in exactly the way that it’s meant to? Can I trust that there are no mistakes, only opportunities to learn and grow?
It’s going to be okay. I feel that now. Last year I worked on cultivating trust, and this year, I chose freedom. As I trust, I relax into being, and this moment opens up and shows me what I need to know…. in freedom. Or more precisely, I open up and I can finally see what this moment was trying to show me all along. Yes. I open up, and then I can receive the gifts that were always there, awaiting my opening. I open up and the whole universe is delighted to shower me with the love and the abundance that now gets to be expressed through me, through my willingness to trust and to be free.
My mind gets caught in the most current challenge. Around and around in a circle it goes, trying to figure it all out. But what if it isn’t meant to be figured out? What if it’s meant to be lived? What if it were enough to just make it through this day, with a body, mind, heart and spirit all seeking integration? What if I could breathe deeply, relax into this moment, and trust the unfolding of my experience, allowing the answers to be revealed when the time is right?
Last night, something happened. Something changed. Was it sitting in a healing circle with a vibrant group of beloved colleagues, sharing our brags desires accountability gratitude and why’s? Was it the cacao administered in a ceremonial way, calling on the four directions, ancestors, guardians and guides? Was it my posture as I sat there, hands over my heart, swaying, eyes closed, as I listened? Had everything in my life simply prepared me for that moment, and suddenly, I caught a glimpse of what is possible? Whatever it was, something changed. I came home, and although it was late, I was inspired. I started making lists of things I could make and offer, to bring me closer to my goal of financial autonomy. I had visions of my creations delighting and inspiring the hearts of countless beloveds. I actually had to make myself go to sleep… I was buzzing with ideas, recognizing that I am truly free to be me, and life is full, FULL of possibility. Something’s changed… for the better.
Let me use my imagination for good. Instead of picturing the worst, let me picture the best. Let me say No matter how this turns out, it will be more amazing than I ever could have possibly imagined. Let me breathe and settle into this moment. Let me feel and know that I am loved, cared for, seen, provided for. Let me stand in my strength and truth, and move forward on my path, transcending limitations and expressing what comes through, bridging the visible and the invisible. Let me remember my Divine Nature, and never again doubt what is real.