Loosening the ties that bind me
to an old, outdated mode of being,
learning to breathe deeply and slowly
and really see how unique this present moment is,
seeing how life has always provided me what I need,
and trusting that it always will,
it all becomes so simple.
Life isn’t meant to be figured out, dissected,
overburdened with assigned meaning—
but one breath, one step, one moment,
one day at a time,
life is meant to be lived.
Learning to trust the Self…
not the little ego self
that’s always wanting and grasping
and never satisfied,
but the Divine Self,
the deeper, more expansive Self,
the One who moves with the currents of Nature
and who listens and waits
underneath the noise and turbulence
of our contrived human sorrow.
The One who waits for us to wake up,
and pause, and breathe
and see how beautiful peace is—
this is the One I practice to know,
this is the One I show up for every morning,
this is the One I am when I become still
and close my eyes, and journey inwards…
This is the One I am learning to trust.
I asked my inner critic to go on vacation
and invited my inner child to come out of hiding.
She still doesn’t trust me all the way.
I don’t blame her.
For so long I derived my identity
from a man who was unkind to me;
I tolerated the way he spoke to me,
accepted crumbs of affection,
thought this was the best I could do.
Now I need to build trust in myself,
and demonstrate to this little girl
that I am strong and capable enough
to provide for her,
that I love her,
that I am glad she is here,
and she is the most important person in my life.
Instead of just thinking about self-love,
I am working on feeling it, living it, expressing it.
God, show me how to love and care for myself
the way you love and care for me.
I’ve been turning my will and my life over
to a power greater than myself…
At first I was just dipping my toe into these waters,
foreign waters, ones I was told to deny and mistrust.
But it struck me one day that those who were telling me
that a Higher Power didn’t exist weren’t happy people!
Rule of Happiness #1:
Don’t take advice from unhappy people.
So I decided to try something different,
and admit I knew nothing,
and I had no control,
and things had become unmanageable…
and I began to pray…
I turn this day over to you.
I turn my life over to you.
Guide me, let me surrender to your will,
show me how to surrender gracefully,
and let me do your good work this day.
I’ve been praying like this for months.
You know what is starting to happen?
I think I’ll keep praying.
For a long time
it felt like something was missing.
I had been a Mrs. for so long,
and now he was gone.
There was an empty place in my bed,
a hole in my heart,
an vacant seat at the table,
a void of presence in my life.
But slowly, slowly,
as time went on,
I faced the one inside me
who believed I couldn’t make it on my own.
I worked hard.
Day after day, I recommitted to my healing.
I began to enjoy the company I kept
in the quiet moments of solitude
when I wasn’t working or mothering.
It’s Saturday night and I’m alone.
The highlight of my evening was a long soak in the tub.
I love this moment.
I love that nothing is missing.
I love that I can feel my wholeness now.
I love that I stayed alive for my healing.*
*If you’re reading this with a broken heart, having gone through a loss of a relationship or the loss of a loved one or the loss of something by which you formed your identity, please hang in there. It gets better. There were so many moments during my separation and divorce that the pain was so intense that I really thought I wanted to die. Thankfully I had Twelve Step Meetings, therapy and a few really good friends who helped me stay on this planet. On the other side of that terrible trial, I can look back and see what a gift it was. I am stronger now, and more capable of loving authentically. I have a clearer sense of who I am, and a much better idea of where I want to go and what I need to do to get there. There is hope, friend…hang in there.
Little by little
a little becomes a lot.
Day by day,
step by step,
breath by breath,
eventually the pieces of the puzzle
come together to reveal
the coherent whole.
Life is a mystery;
we can only truly understand it
Our faith, our belief in the unseen realm,
will guide us through the challenges
and the changes in fortune
that mark a human life.
If we are willing to stay the course,
breathe, and believe,
one day what we’re currently going through
will make sense.
So friend, will you breathe with me?
Will you breathe and believe?
Fresh, clean kids are asleep
in their fresh, clean sheets…
And even though I’m crazy tired,
I’m kind of wired,
walking around in wonder
that this has finally happened.
Our own place.
Our own memories.
A new chapter,
untainted by the one
who almost broke me.
I lit a candle,
made a cup of tea
and am settling down cozily
to read and muse
and feel so much gratitude.
We moved! We moved! We moved!
And I am moved
by the moving, by the help received,
by the sheer quantity of stuff,
being forced to look at all of it,
make decisions—stay or go?
Intentionally setting up nooks of creativity,
creating a sewing studio in the basement—
this has been a DREAM…
And now, it’s coming true,
because I choose, I choose,
to live the dream,
to move and be moved
by this wonderful life
to trust, to love,
to jump, to open