Watching. Waiting. Wanting. Cultivating patience (not an easy task.) Holding a vision. Embracing discipline. Trusting. Asking. Believing. And then… tending to the tenderness, and breathing into the gaping open places, the void that was left the last time around. Openness and readiness are a call for fulfillment, but not its promise. I am waiting for that promise.
It doesn’t have to happen all at once, and, it simply won’t happen all at once. Like the transition from winter to spring this uncovering of the heart and this healing of the spirit and this flowing into a new form and this experience of a new self takes time. Let each one of us trust our own healing process and surrender into the ways life loves us, day by day, as we transform just a little bit at a time.
Where is the balance point between the effort and the ease? Where is the grace that allows forgiveness to find me? Where is the sweet one who will coax my heart out of hiding? Where is the soul nourishment that will sustain me? I keep trying, trying, trying. I’m exhausted from the effort of teasing apart the jumbled mess of other people’s perceptions and finding my true self concealed somewhere deep within. Where am I, who am I, in the midst of all of this chaos?
After being told for so long by the one I had pledged to love that there was something wrong with me, that I was good for nothing, lazy, selfish, irresponsible, and at the cause of all our collective misfortunes, it goes without saying that it feels quite refreshing to be alone. Without all of the noise, the criticism, the discouragement, the manipulation, the control and—let’s be plain—the abuse, I can finally begin to tease apart the threads of the veil that had been woven around my eyes, my mind, my body, my heart. I can finally begin to discern what is real and true for me, who I really am. As I learn to exist in this new reality and heal my bruises and tend to my wounds, I feel myself growing stronger, more sure of the good that surrounds me, the good within me. As I connect with and exist inside this good, I allow myself to dream about what is possible. I dream about deep, intimate connection first with myself, and then, one day, with another. I dream about a man who is aware of his presence, who sees his depth of awareness as his most valuable asset. I dream about myself standing in my power and grace with this man, who wants to honor me with his strength, as I honor him with my devotion. For now it is a dream. For now, a dream is enough.
I could hear this one song playing in my head all day long but I couldn’t remember the artist or the title or the album art… nothing. I kept reminding myself to just relax, I would find it when it was time. But the music haunted me, and I kept searching. I went through so many playlists, scouring… And I was struck (again) by how I deprive myself of this beautiful present when I’m searching for what isn’t there, what isn’t available, what isn’t clear, what isn’t understood. Finally, I let it go. I went about my business. I lived my life. I read. I ate. I went to a twelve-step meeting. I checked in with a friend via telephone. And then, much later, I heard the song playing in my mind again. I searched another playlist, and within one minute I found it. And I was struck (again) at how everything comes to me in the perfect time and space sequence… and especially when I just relax and allow life to unfold.
Feeling a little lost today… it’s probably because I was up late last night creating. It’s amazing how the inspiration strikes and not necessarily when it’s convenient, and then afterwards I see how this willingness to answer the muse is a sacrifice of sorts. I give of my time and energy, and now I have this art. I have to give to receive. Can I trust that what I’m willing to give is enough? Can I trust that the light will pour through me in exactly the way that it’s meant to? Can I trust that there are no mistakes, only opportunities to learn and grow?
It’s going to be okay. I feel that now. Last year I worked on cultivating trust, and this year, I chose freedom. As I trust, I relax into being, and this moment opens up and shows me what I need to know…. in freedom. Or more precisely, I open up and I can finally see what this moment was trying to show me all along. Yes. I open up, and then I can receive the gifts that were always there, awaiting my opening. I open up and the whole universe is delighted to shower me with the love and the abundance that now gets to be expressed through me, through my willingness to trust and to be free.