The jig is up.
I’m on to you.
I know how you work now.
I know that you’ve been conditioned
to believe negative thoughts,
and you are going to keep regurgitating
until I choose to train you otherwise.
Well, my dear brain,
I’m choosing to train you otherwise.
I won’t believe all those horrid things he said.
I won’t believe that I was worthless.
I won’t believe that it was all my fault.
I won’t believe that I was just a taker—
I know I wasn’t.
Brain, it’s time for the TRUTH.
I did everything I could.
I was ENTITLED to my own thoughts and feelings.
It just didn’t work out between us,
and this wasn’t my fault.
I tried to get us to marital therapy.
I tired to share my experiences, my hopes and fears.
I thought if I worked hard enough on me,
things would get better.
It’s not my fault.
Brain, I can’t stay married
to someone who just doesn’t love me, okay?
I can’t stay married to someone
who isn’t willing to be responsible for their part.
I can’t stay married to someone who blames me
for everything that goes wrong in their life.
Brain, I deserve more, do you hear me?
I deserve so much more.
I deserve someone who loves me
not in spite of my shortcomings
but because of them.
I deserve someone who lights up
when I walk into the room.
I deserve to be made love to
so tenderly and sweetly,
with care and reverence.
I deserve to be celebrated for my gifts,
and supported and encouraged in their expression.
After all this time, brain, the jig is up.
You don’t get to tell me how this goes anymore.
I don’t want my present to be a recycled version
of my painful past.
I get to choose. And I choose love.
And health. And happiness. And celebration.
Thanks for listening.
There’s a moment after hitting rock bottom
when you realize that you’re not dead.
Maybe, as you look around at where you are,
you wish you were dead,
but you’re still alive nonetheless.
Resistance will make you hurt worse.
Regret will keep you stuck in this place.
When you’ve stripped away everything
that you used as your former identity
and you find yourself, naked,
standing on rock,
it feels vulnerable, uncomfortable.
You look up…
and the light of day seems so far away.
The good news is,
you don’t have many decisions to make;
it’s very simple in this naked place
of bare, cold, hard, rock bottom.
There’s only one direction you can go—
This is the third time
I’ve attempted to write this poem.
It just isn’t coming out
as I expected.
I guess this means I’m human,
and I guess it means I’m alive.
when I can ever be satisfied
with myself as I am,
life as it is;
when I can drop
the bs perfectionism bit,
and just relax already.
And when you can finally
relax into the truth
of who you really are
you will find
the most gentle sweetness
waiting for you everywhere—
Life, loving you as you really are.
I spent the day in deep listening,
laid heart and soul bare
before daring wayfarers
who walk this path with me.
I danced with the trees,
looked up to the sun
reached out to the water
felt down to the earth
breathed in the wind
and out my fears.
I transformed from closed and scared
to fluid and light body
loving song through the forest
at top of lungs fearlessly.
To whomever says heaven
isn’t on earth:
I have something to share…
Today I came close.
Happy Birthday to ME
Happy Birthday to ME
to stop pitying myself
Happy Birthday to ME!
(It might take 42 or more years to reach adulthood. Not sure how adult I really am yet. Isn’t adulthood overrated?)
I love you.
I’m sorry for taking you for granted.
I know you’ve worked really hard
to keep me alive all these years.
I’m sorry for judging you as inadequate.
I love you.
I am so grateful for all of your sensations
and the wonderful way
all of your systems work together
to maintain radiant health.
I love how elegant you are,
how nimble, how graceful.
I love how you breathe,
how you walk,
how you climb and run and dance.
I love how you rest.
forgive me for all those times
I didn’t understand
and blamed you for my illness.
I know you are doing the best you can.
You are brave and noble
and I’m glad you’re mine.