And then, synchronously,
the Universe responded
to my questions about giving.
I listened to a motivational speaker
who was suddenly talking about generosity
and keeping the circle of giving intact.
He said that everyone can give something,
to not wait to see yourself as “rich”
before you give.
He quoted Khalil Gibran:
You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
I cried to hear the truth.
I cried to be so seen
by this loving Universe
that would send me answers
so soon after I asked the questions.
And today I was sent multiple opportunities
to give spontaneously, from my heart.
It felt good. It felt right.
I felt like I was living my destiny.
teach me more about love.
My mind says “more” is the answer.
More food, more fun, more friends.
And here’s my favorite,
after a year of celibacy—
But the truth coming from my heart is
this is enough.
All of it.
I have enough money, enough time, enough rest.
I get enough companionship, enough attention.
I have enough food, fun and friends,
Now, because I haven’t had any in a year,
it’s a stretch to say
I have enough sex
but you know what?
Celibacy won’t kill me…
I am living proof.
So maybe, just maybe,
I can let “enough” be my mantra.
Enough. Enough. Enough.
I have enough.
I am enough.
Life is enough.
What will I say to my mind
when it argues with this?
Tonight I sit in ceremony again,
a new circle of strangers,
who just like me
are seeking the truth
of the one who abides
forever in wholeness.
Can I trust in this process
of surrendering to ALL THAT IS?
Can I drop the shield I was carrying
and stand vulnerable
in the truth of ultimate reality?
I am Source
and I am that which blocks Source.
Can I find the harmony
in the flow between the extremes?
I am human,
living a world of night and day,
male and female,
hot and cold.
Can I navigate the realm of duality
while staying connected
to the pure oneness of being?
Please God, show me the way.
I realized it doesn’t always have to be
quick and dramatic…
sometimes it’s nice to take time.
My modern mind has been raised
on instant gratification
but my ancient heart
has its own rhythm.
All this time my mind
has clamored for attention
as if it’s the only one who matters here.
Meanwhile my heart waits
patiently as ever
trusting that the time will come
when I return to the truth of my being.
Once you’ve begun to awaken
you can’t go back to sleep.
Your Soul wouldn’t let you
even if you tried.
Your Spirit knows
what you’re capable of
and won’t stop moving you
until you become that.
The whole world needs you to wake up
and your Higher Self is delighted to help.
Life Force surrounds you, indwells you
and animates you every day.
Soul, Spirit, Higher Self, Life Force.
No matter what name you call it,
it’s the ultimate truth of who you are.
Are you ready to know yourself as this truth?
Are you ready to wake up and really live?
I awake fresh from a dream
where I spoke with his mistress
and then with him.
She said that she initiated it
and that he was happy to follow her.
She sat in his chair at his salon
and he did her hair.
When I approached him
he was in my parents’ bed
in my childhood home
with his brother,
who looked up and said,
“This is some F**KED UP SH** right here!”
I couldn’t agree more.
My dream spurred me to action,
but my husband in waking reality
wouldn’t tell me his story,
wouldn’t tell me the truth.
Instead he called the police.
I wonder if you ever really loved me.
Why am I sad to see you go?
They say that shame can’t live
when it’s spoken.
Why in the speaking
do I feel so ashamed?
After this time,
the very idea of sleeping with
someone other than my husband
is utterly absurd
he has already slept with another woman.
My husband, the man who was mine,
gave a part of himself away to someone else,
a part that was reserved only for me,
and he shall never be with me in that way again.
I think again about forgiveness,
the years I was told I wasn’t enough,
I didn’t contribute,
I wasn’t a partner.
Two beautiful children
look up at us with wide eyes.
My contribution speaks for itself.