When he decided our marriage was over, I didn’t know how to let go. When he collected his family, colleagues, clients and friends and drew a line in the sand, I didn’t know how to let go. When he began seeing another woman and spending nights out, I didn’t know how to let go. When he introduced our children to the other woman, I didn’t know how to let go. When our house went into foreclosure, I didn’t know how to let go. And I was dragged. I was dragged. I was dragged. And it hurt, how it hurt, how it hurt. But I survived. I began to pray to God Show me how to let go. Show me how to surrender gracefully. Slowly but surely, Life revealed to me what remained when what was no longer serving me was dragged away. I’m finding more stable ground, and learning how to love what is here, now. I’m discovering that I’m happier by myself, healthier living in alignment with my deeper self, more confident speaking with my true voice, grateful for the simple things, the simple grace of being. I am grateful for this sweet surrender to life.
I ended up in a twelve step meeting a couple of months after my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married anymore. I was devastated; having trouble eating and sleeping, feeling isolated because I had lost a lot of friends in the separation. The coach I was working with suggested a meeting, and found one for me in town. The first meeting I inwardly criticized the room, thought it needed to be redecorated. The second meeting I realized everyone in my life is codependent. The third meeting I started to believe that the program might help me if I worked it. Two and a half years later, I know my program has saved my life. I have found a sponsor and am working the steps slowly but surely… getting ready to do a fourth step soon. When I was ready to give up on life, this program showed up to demonstrate that grace is active in my life, and I am truly grateful.
I’ve been turning my will and my life over to a power greater than myself… At first I was just dipping my toe into these waters, foreign waters, ones I was told to deny and mistrust. But it struck me one day that those who were telling me that a Higher Power didn’t exist weren’t happy people! Rule of Happiness #1: Don’t take advice from unhappy people. So I decided to try something different, and admit I knew nothing, and I had no control, and things had become unmanageable… and I began to pray… I turn this day over to you. I turn my life over to you. Guide me, let me surrender to your will, show me how to surrender gracefully, and let me do your good work this day. I’ve been praying like this for months. You know what is starting to happen? Peace. I think I’ll keep praying.
I shared my story tonight, was witnessed by my recovery family as I told the tale of the last two and a half years of my life. There were moments where I thought I might not make it through, so overcome was I by emotion. But I breathed, I paced myself, I spoke through the emotions, I let my family see me. Afterwards, these beloveds gave me hugs. they told me they were proud of me, of how far I had come. They told me they were inspired by my story, my willingness to be vulnerable, to speak my truth, to be seen so deeply. Life is a mystery; it can only be understood looking backwards. As I look back on the last two years, I can see that the worst day of my life was the greatest gift— of freedom, of authenticity, of finding my true power, and expressing it out in this world.
Ok, God, I’m tired of living in terror, so I’m turning this over to you. I have no idea how you’ll help me. I know that faith can move mountains, but that I need to bring a shovel. I’ve got my shovel. Now what?
Today I was a student*, and I felt so grateful that for once I didn’t have to prepare the lesson. I love it when my only job is to be open to new learning. I think I’ll be a student forever.
*Today was Day 1 of Nikki Myers weekend-long Y12SR training. I am so grateful to spend the next two days with other yoga teachers who are interested in learning about sustainable recovery from addiction, and who want to apply this learning to bring value to countless beings walking the path of recovery.
Grief: Non-linear. Messy. Unpredictable. Just when I think to myself I’ve got this, I’m better, suddenly, I’m back down on my knees by the side of my bed sobbing the Serenity Prayer to some Higher Power I hope exists but whose presence I cannot quite feel in those moments of deep sadness and disconnection. I turn back to my breath. I sigh out the deep pain, but it keeps coming, the tears keep coming. Is there no end to this?