Tag Archives: waiting

Ready to Live

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I’m waiting…
for things to get better,
to be clearer,
to be easier.
Then I’m afraid…
because they’re not changing,
or I’m not changing,
and reality keeps reminding me
that waiting for a problem to solve itself
won’t get the problem solved.
What is the proper action to take,
when your whole world falls apart,
and you’re living in a hologram of the past?
I can see everything as it was,
four ghosts sitting around the dinner table,
blurs of movement
out of the corner of my eye
from events that took place years ago.
The reality is,
I’m just by myself tonight,
the house is quiet,
and my two children
are with the man who used to be my husband.
But sometimes it feels like he is still here.
Sometimes I expect my children
to run up to me,
to call out to me,
even though I know they’re not here.
It’s eerie, the way the mind plays tricks.
Help me, Great Spirit,
help me return to what is real.
Let me do what needs to be done.
No more waiting;
I’m ready to live again.



Breathe and Remember

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Waiting.
Waiting to hear back about the interview.
They told me the end of next week.
Today was the end of the week.
Nothing. No word.
No email. No phone call.
I was really good at practicing detachment
all week long…
until this morning arrived.
Then I kept checking my phone
every few minutes.
Luckily I taught yoga twice
and saw a coaching client.
Thank God I had work to keep me busy.
How do I practice detachment here?
Oh. That’s right.
I breathe and remind myself
I have no control here.
I breathe and remind myself
I will be fine either way.
I breathe and remind myself
Everything in my life
is an  opportunity to awaken.
I breathe and remember to be grateful.

No More Waiting

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I was waiting for an apology from him,
an expression of guilt and remorse;
it hasn’t come yet,
and it probably never will.
I was waiting for him to do the right thing,
to acknowledge his role,
to make things right,
but it sure doesn’t look that this will happen either.
I was hoping he’d awaken,
hoping he’d zoom out and look in
and see how his behavior
has been egregiously unfair—
he hasn’t awakened, and my hope
is turning to hopelessness.
The moral is,
focusing on the other
and hoping they will change
(when they don’t want to and aren’t capable)
will only lead to sadness, frustration and despair.
I’ve decided that I’m not going to wait anymore.
I’m going to move forward in autonomy,
thanking him for my freedom.

Live Through It

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Just when I thought I had found
some steady, even ground
I discover that I’ve fallen
into another abyss,
this one deeper than all the others.
There is no end to the sorrow,
no end to the feelings of inadequacy,
the belief that I wasn’t good enough
and this is why he left.
I try so hard to make myself believe
that this will get better.
I reach out to friends.
They say,
Sorry you’re going through this.
It doesn’t help.
I discover that no one can take this pain away.
I guess I just have to live through it somehow.

The Message Becomes Clear

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The sadness consumes me
and it feels so familiar to be caught like this,
to be caught by anger, by resentment,
by anxiety, by fear, by doubt…
It occurs to me that it doesn’t take
much courage to feel what I’m feeling,
but it does take courage to recognize
what the feelings are here to teach me.
What can I learn from the sadness,
from these shadow emotions
whose presence bring balance
to the more desirable states of
joy, calm, love, confidence?
There is a deeper courage called for here:
to trust that if they’ve shown up,
they have something, some message to convey,
and to be patient and wait
while the message becomes clear.

Patients

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I was a patient
in the hospital
and I saw why
we are called “patients”–
Patience.
Waiting for everything…
To drink, to eat, to sleep,
to go to the bathroom,
dependent on someone else
for everything.
Back home I’m still a patient,
but it’s different when
it’s your family.
In this context
I need to summon
patience for who they are
more than patience
as I wait for what I want
them to do for me.