(not an easy task.)
Holding a vision.
tending to the tenderness,
and breathing into
the gaping open places,
the void that was left
the last time around.
Openness and readiness
are a call for fulfillment,
but not its promise.
I am waiting for that promise.
I saw your eyes
and knew who you were.
You saw my eyes
and knew who I was.
And here we stand,
thousands of miles of apart
and yet perfectly close together.
Joining in this delicious wanting.
I’m feeling sad,
wanting this moment to be different.
I want more space, more freedom.
I want financial autonomy.
I want to offer something that will help others.
I want to step into my power,
express my essence,
create something beautiful, inspiring.
But the depression returns
and covers me in a dark, heavy blanket
of lethargy, fear, anxiety, doubt, inertia.
How to break free?
I know there is more out there,
I know I am capable of more.
How do I move forward?
Why do you elude me?
Why do I want you?
Why do I need you?
And why, when I need you the most,
do you desert me?
I think I may need to learn more about you.
I wish you could visit and stay awhile,
but you’re such a flirt—
you’re here one moment, gone the next.
If you can tell me who knows you best,
THAT one I’d like to meet.
If I could master you,
that would be quite the feat!
Wanting more out of life
out of myself
out of each day.
Wanting the sun to shine
and the rain to fall
and the stars to shine
and the moon to rise
whenever they damn well please.
And as I allow the weather to be itself
and as I allow the heavenly bodies
to be themselves,
Can I allow me to be myself?
I am a part of this earth.
Could I learn how to love this self
that is me
by loving the planet that is her…more?
I feel crazy lonely with my questions.
I still miss my husband.
I still miss his body, breathing
next to mine.
Is this what it means to be human?
What is it that I think I want in order to be happy?
And can I look at that wanting,
and watch how it melts into more wanting?
Can I watch the anger,
and witness it fueling more anger?
Peace flowing into more peace?
Love blossoming into more love?
Joy dawning upon fathomless joy?
Whatever we give our attention to
fully and without pause,
this is what we become.
Let us awaken to our patterns,
let us choose where we send our thoughts.
The world waits for us to know it.
The universe is hushed, ready for us to see it.
Our shining self glows brightly,
let us open our eyes.
Let us see the mirrors all around us,
and choose the reflection of our purest self.
I set myself up for it.
I thought for sure it would be mine.
I projected into the future
and created many moments of enjoyment
imagining what I would say and do
and how it would all feel…
I was told it was given to someone else.
Wanting to know why I wasn’t the chosen one.
And herein lies the power of attachment
to bring one to one’s knees in pain
with weapons that do not exist,
mourning the loss of something that never was.