There is so much wisdom in surrender, knowing that I don’t know, opening to guidance, keeping the faith that there’s a reason, relaxing deeper into trust. When I could finally let go of the life I thought I had, the life I felt entitled to, I finally had the space to welcome my real life, as it is, right now. Then the real healing could begin. I had to let go of my marriage and I had to let go of my anger toward my children’s father for abandoning the marriage. I had to let go of control (I had none to begin with). When everything fell apart and there was nowhere to go but through, I learned to get clear and sober and fill my mind with prayer. I learned to turn everything over to a power greater than myself. I turned over my thoughts, words and actions, my hopes, dreams and fears, my beliefs, perceptions, my ideas of success and failure. Somehow, grace pulled me through the darkest nights of my soul; somehow I survived the changes that took time… I am grateful for prayers, sacred words spoken that bolster my courage and soothe my bodymind. I am grateful that my whole life has become a prayer.
She has been there, and she has gotten through it. She has felt deep pain, and she transcended it. It’s amazing to feel love for someone I don’t know, and who may never know I exist, but I love this woman, Iyanla Vanzant. She took her experiences and turned them into teaching opportunities, sharing what she has learned with the world who yearns for authentic teachers. That’s true love and true generosity, and I am truly grateful. Thank you Iyanla!
We women are a special breed— she said —we can get through anything. She was helping me change the address on my license and scan the documents proving my identity. If you wake up everything else is just a bonus. I asked her to make me laugh as she took the picture for my new license (my new lease on life). She asked me to smile for the team. I told her my ex was a fan and since then I’ve been looking the other way, but I’m glad to hear they’re doing well. Girl she said shaking her head C’mon now, it don’t have to be like that. She was right. It don’t.
The abandoned one (A0) and the yoga teacher (YT) have a conversation: AO: I can’t do this. I’m too hurt. I’m too scared. YT: Just breathe. In this moment you are safe. AO: I hate him. I am so angry at him for doing this to me. YT: Breathe. Slow down. You are safe. AO: I will never be happy again. YT: You can only be happy now. AO: I am broken. No one will ever want me. YT: You are inherently whole and complete, just as you are. Feel this. Feel this breath. AO: I am depressed and anxious. I want to die. YT: This is temporary, like the weather. You will live, and this will change. AO: I am worthless. I am so ashamed of my choices. YT: You are alive! How fortunate. Breathe into the center of this hurt, this sadness. Give it room. Feel it, and then let this feeling go. AO: This is too much work. It isn’t fair. YT: This moment. This breath. Feel your body. Feel your heart beating. What a miracle! AO: I’m about to be homeless. I’m terrified. No one is going to rescue me. I don’t know what to do. YT: Slow down. Breathe. You are going to be just fine. There is a roof over your head right now. Love this moment. This moment is all you have. AO: I’m just so tired. I feel so beaten down, unwanted. YT: Put your hands over your heart. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. You are infinite awareness. AO: Why me? Why this? Why now? It isn’t fair. YT: That’s only one part of your mind talking. Listen to the part that is grateful for change. Listen to the part that loves you. Listen to the part that knows you are powerful. AO: This is too much work. YT: Yes. Struggling is a lot of work. Why not try surrender?
Grow dark, all Hallow’s Eve
Send the spirits of the dearly departed
to gather near to us
that we may hear
their whispered wise words.
The veil is thin between the worlds.
They are speaking to you.
I awoke this morning
with hope in my heart
and God must have wanted me to meditate
because I was awakened early enough
to sit uninterrupted.
I taught 45 people metta* today
and I am grateful
to have been graced by my teachers
in order to transmit the teaching.
I am a channel of the good medicine
that wants to come through
the vessel of my being.
It brings the deepest joy to my heart
to deliver what will help and heal.
After all these years I’ve learned
that the most beautiful things happen
when I relinquish control.
Therefore I commit to setting aside
the petty protestations of my lesser self
and dissolving into the profound wisdom
of what lies beyond my understanding.
Today, with hope in my heart, I am excited for what is to come.
Early this morning
I took a deep breath
and I asked my heart
Why was I surprised
when the answers
were so sweet, gentle,
that they pointed me
to the truth
I always knew?
I suppose I had bought in
to the idea that miracles
were these huge displays
of cosmic power and grandeur.
Now I know better.
Now I know
the greatest miracle
is a simple recognition
of the tender heart
the heart in all of us.
You’d think after all this time
I’d have the sanity
after he’s had too much wine.
But my ego was bruised
and I guess my mind confused
which course of action
would lead to resolution
and which to more confusion.
When my fear speaks louder
than the quiet wisdom within
it’s time to shut my mouth
and retreat far away
from the din of those
who know not
that silence is an option.
I search for meaning
and I come up with something
that feels right.
If I’m awake,
I don’t expect anyone else
to agree with the meaning I’ve made.
If I’m asleep,
I become defensive
when others disagree,
and disagree they will…
Because everyone, everywhere
is always making their own meaning.
This is what we are, essentially: beings making meaning.
But take note:
Beyond the meaning we have made,
there is this divine moment,
existing free of labels,
independent of our judgments,
utterly untarnished by our analyses.
The wisest among us
are able to stay with the moment
and maybe steer us back
when we get caught up
in the meaning we have made.
God bless those who know how to live
in this divine perfect moment,
who can transcend the personal meaning
and live something deeper.
You might go to the ends of the earth
and still never find the answer.
You could ask the wisest teacher
and still not know who you are.
Stop all this frantic searching
outside of yourself.
The answers are within.
Get still, close your eyes,
There now, isn’t that better?