Tag Archives: work

Pray For Me

Standard

Back home from retreat.
I wasn’t given the job
I interviewed for in September,
but was offered another,
at lower pay, with no benefits.
I declined the offer.
It felt exhilarating knowing
that I could assert myself
and make choices based on
confidently knowing
that I am worth way more.
But now what?
Now I need to step fully
into entrepreneurship.
I don’t want to work for anyone else,
I want to work for myself.
I want to get my offerings out to the world
in a bigger way,
and add value to people’s lives.
I want to make it on my own.
I want to be my own boss,
decide my own hours,
work where I want
with whom I want
when I want.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
Pray for me.

Magic Happens

Standard

Breakthrough.
A gift from above.
A job falling right into my lap.
Relief.
Being guided and led along this path
to financial autonomy
and emotional freedom.
Now it’s time to give thanks,
thanks
and even more thanks.
Thanks for the friend who thought of me
when the school was desperate for a teacher,
thanks for my experience teaching
that would make me eligible to help this school.
Thanks to God for carrying me through the uncertainty.
Thanks to friends and family who listened
as I complained about the uncertainty.
I’m still a bit shocked
that it could be this simple, fluid and easy.
But I’ve worked hard this year,
making amends with myself, with God and with life.
From this place of wholeness
magic just happens.

Wide Open Arms

Standard

Sometimes I resent having to do so much work
to wake up, to improve, to become better…
Like everyone else, I just want to be happy, healthy,
have a good life, be at peace.
Then it occurs to me
that the work will enable me to create these things
and claim them as mine.
If the good life were handed to me on a silver platter,
could I accept it?
Would I see myself as worthy?
I’m so grateful for the infinitely generous present moment.
No matter how many times my mind goes back to the past
or rushes headlong into the future,
this beautiful present moment
always waits for me right here, right now,
with wide open arms.

Deep Loneliness is Our Offering

Standard

There is a deep loneliness in me

and I can remember it being there since

fourth grade at least,

this feeling of being alone

no matter how many people are around,

of being invisible, unseen

even when others say my name,

address me.

This loneliness eats away at me…

something about being different, unworthy…

and I want to answer it.

I want to say,

But see? I have students who listen to me.

But my students always go home,

and eventually I find myself alone again.

For a few years marriage and motherhood

precluded the possibility of being truly alone,

but since he left me, I find myself

without my children half of the time,

and that’s when I feel most lonely.

Yes, yes, yes you self-helpers out there,

I know I need to be a friend to myself,

love myself, court myself,

make love to myself, welcome myself,

YES YES YES I know all this already.

No use reminding me.

The fact that I can know

and not implement this knowing

makes me even more lonely.

What will help me?

Even in the darkest moments

of loneliness and isolation

one thing I know…

I am not the only one

feeling this lonely.

Maybe we can share

in our loneliness, together.

All over this world,

hearts reaching out

with threads of longing for connection,

could we wrap this world

in our longing

and know the breadth and depth of our work?

Maybe our loneliness

is our offering…

 

 

 

I Need to Be Patient

Standard

I need to be patient with this process.
I was in the victim story
for a lot longer than the story
of my empowerment.
I believed he shouldn’t have left me
for a lot longer than I realized he should.
My pain is older than the loss of this marriage,
my abandonment, my grief, my heartache
much older than that moment
one year and one month ago
when he dropped the bomb
on the life I thought I knew.
And he is gone.
He has been gone for a while,
and he won’t be coming back.
And so now it is my task
to turn toward myself
and sit with the aching little girl
who clamors for my attention.
She cries out in anger and despair
because I haven’t been there for her,
so taken was I
with the telling of my sad, sad story.
I need to be patient with this process.
Taking ownership of one’s pain
is something that many people
will never realize they can do
let alone go ahead and do
once they realize they can.
I am making this choice.
I feel alone in it.
But that’s just because
no one I know personally
has made such a choice before.
Surely, though,
there are beloveds out there,
kindreds, who just like me
want to evolve until the day they die,
sweethearts who want to own their pain
so that they have the space,
the depth
and the presence
to own their joy.

Back Home: What Lies Ahead

Standard

I’m back in MD
after a long day of travel.
I’ll be honest…
It’s a let down
coming back to the cold
and the chaos of home
after the warmth
and the simplicity
of the desert.
I thought I did so much
work on my retreat,
the work of awakening,
of becoming more aware.
It turns out
the the greatest work
lies ahead.