Tag Archives: worry

I AM OKAY

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How long it will be
before the new paradigm is established
and I can truly be free of the thoughts,
words, and actions that have held me back?
I keep reminding myself that I am fine,
that I have always been fine
and I will always be fine…
but my poor, neurotic mind
simply cannot accept this.
It dutifully attempts to dredge up proof
that I will not be okay.
It wants to let me know I’ll run out of money,
I won’t find a way,
I’ll be lonely and homeless
without a friend in the world.
And all this because it wants me to be safe.
But the fear, doubt and worry
make me feel unsafe.
So I have to train this poor mind
to search for proof
that I will definitely be okay.
And then I keep exerting tremendous force,
really wanting this positive outlook
to be where I live most of the time.
This mighty war raging inside of me
feels exhausting;
I want a nap.
But somehow I must find a way to keep going,
until my mind knows
I AM OKAY.

How?

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You have to just let go
they keep telling me.
But how?
I think really
IT needs to let go of me.
IT has its hooks in me.
I want to be free.
I want to feel alive again.
I don’t want to be angry,
hurt, sad or depressed anymore.
I want to set my life in order.
I want my home to be organized.
I want to have work
that allows me
to support myself and my children.
But tomorrow
I apply for food stamps
because my money is all gone.
I get angry when I think about this.
He left our marriage,
and has moved on.
Now he spends his time
and his money on another.
Yes, I want to let go.
But how?

Suddenly I Remember

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I keep thinking
I’m not doing enough.
I should be go-getting,
job-hunting, interviewing
CV revising, buckling down,
buttoning up,
preparing myself
for the world of work.
My heart sinks to think
of losing time with my kids,
of giving my time to something
that saps my energy
to have the funds
to make ends meet.
I get caught up
in a whirlwind of thoughts.
I pray to God.
God says, BREATHE.
Suddenly I remember
panicky thoughts
never got me anywhere.
Suddenly I remember
It’s going to be okay.