Tag Archives: yoga teacher

Thank God for Miracles!

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Today I accomplished two of three
big things I had to get done this weekend.
One remains. The biggest one.
I’m leading a four hour training
teaching yoga teachers
how to teach restorative yoga.
I was getting myself geared up
to feel anxious and down on myself
for leaving the prep
until the last moment,
and then
I remembered
the way we talk to ourselves really matters.
I remembered
criticism withers
and praise builds us up.
I decided to be nice to myself.
I decided it could be pleasurable
to prepare this training
for those who are attending.
I realized that the procrastination is a habit
and so is the self-recrimination…
and I can choose to change it…
all of it.
I prayed.
I prayed to give my trainees
the tools they need
to add the most value
to their students’ lives.
Spirit whispered in my ear…
and I followed the orders I was given.
I went into my old laptop
and discovered a handout
I prepared years ago
with all the information
I want to share with my trainees tomorrow.
So…I don’t have so much prep to do after all.
Thank god for all miracles, big and small!

Ready to Learn

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I subbed out my morning class
I subbed out my evening class
I subbed out tomorrow morning’s class too.
The yoga teacher needs to stay home
and remember she is still a student.
Somehow my yoga is simply being with my body
in this state of illness, exhaustion.
I need to really feel and notice what has happened.
The worry and the stress wore away at me
and here I am.
If I won’t learn the lesson this time,
it will just keep repeating itself until I do.
I want to learn.
I am ready to learn.

The Voice of Compassion

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I’m here preparing my workshop
on self-compassion.
It’s late, nearly 12:30 am.
I can hear the inner critic say,
There you go again,
leaving everything to the last minute.
When will you learn?
When will you grow up?
It shakes its head and clucks about…
meanwhile I take a deep breath
and give myself compassion…
Compassion for the girl
who works so hard to please others,
Compassion for the teacher
who wants so much to help others,
Compassion for the artist
who wants to express her creativity,
Compassion for the tired mama
who does so much for so many
every day…
Now the compassionate one says,
Go to bed darling,
you need rest.
And I’m glad I have this practice,
glad that I can hear that voice,
the voice of compassion.

Keeping It Real

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How could I grow as a person
if there were never any challenges?

How would I know what abundance is
if I never knew scarcity?

I spent a long time thinking
I’m not a very good yoga teacher
because I let myself get stressed,
upset, angry…
I saw myself being envious, competitive
grasping, holding on
My depression was some kind of failure,
and so was not having enough energy
to keep the house shining clean.

And then one day it hit me…
Yes, I’m a yoga teacher,
but I’m also a human being.

Without my real human challenges,
without my pain and sorrow and suffering–
without the regret, the anger,
the resentment, the fear,
the struggle–
how could peace mean anything at all?

It is precisely because I’ve been to hell and back
that I can see the heaven on this earth
And because I have chosen to look at my own suffering
I can hold the suffering of others in my heart
and feel sincere compassion for them.

All of those shadow feelings
I thought I shouldn’t be having
were actually my greatest teachers.
They dug a great hole in me,
opened me up to receive the beauty
of existence.

I don’t need to pretend I’m someone I’m not
I don’t need to hide my humanness
and try to be who I think I should be for my students.

Now I can meet all of my feelings
with open arms,
really welcome every one…
and rest in the certainty
that my willingness to be authentic
at the core of my being,
and my wish to share
genuine connection with others
keeps my yoga real–
as it always was,
and ever will be.

Looking Forward

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Tonight was the start of my third weekend in my 500 hour yoga teacher training. We have one weekend a month in training, which started in March and will continue until this December.  It’s a big time commitment, and involves some serious rearranging of our schedules, finding someone to provide extra child care, planning meals ahead of time, having the basic flow of the house dialed in so that things go more or less smoothly for everybody.

I’m glad to be branching out, meeting other yoga teachers, spending time as a student.  And, I’m feeling pretty stressed out trying to have everything worked out ahead of time. My body is tired, I got home at 11 tonight, and I have my writing practice and my evening meditation still left to be done.  I look forward to this time by myself, but there is a sense of wistfulness, a feeling that I missed out on spending time with my kids and husband and they’re far away from me now, although I know they’re sleeping not too far off from where I sit.

I won’t digress.  Time for a poem, and then meditation.

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I can’t get everything done.

The laundry, the dishes,
the meals,
the parenting,
the teaching,
the marriage,
the commute,
the learning–

It’s all too much,
and I can’t get it done.

Besides, there’s no end point,
only change.
The laundry I do today
will be gone in a thousand tomorrows.
The dishes we eat on today will disintegrate one day.
After thousands of meals,
my kids will grow up,
and one day I’ll be too old to teach yoga.
My marriage will hopefully evolve
into a comfortable companionship,
a wordless knowing,
a peaceful togetherness,
The commute…won’t be anymore
because I won’t be driving
when I’m too old to teach.

But the learning will never be done.
Now that is something to look forward to.

Snow Day, Meditation, and My Other Blog

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1:00 pm

We had yet another wintry storm pass through town, and as a result my family and I have enjoyed a cozy day inside together. I was up extra early  at 4:30 am, and was amazed at the quality of my morning meditation practice. I barely noticed the passage of time at all and was surprised when the bell rang,  signaling the end of the session.

By the time my meditation was complete it was only 5:15 am, the house was still quiet.  I calculated that I had about two more hours before anyone else woke up. With all of this time ahead of me, I decided to sit my butt down and compose a post for my other blog; the last time I posted was in November and I figured it was about time.

My other blog is a place to explore the eight-limbed path of yoga; it’s the focus of the website devoted to my yoga teaching, and I refer lots of students there to check out my teaching schedule and delve into yogic philosophy. There I put great pressure on myself to maintain my reputation as a professional, honor the teachings of the great masters as best I can, and write solid content that is informative, engaging, and worthy of being read. And this is why I don’t post there very often.  It’s hard to bear up under such pressure. With the inner critic gabbing at me constantly about how my writing isn’t polished enough, how it isn’t worthy of being published, it’s difficult to motivate myself to write anything at all.

I’m so glad I finally got around to creating and maintaining this personal blog! There is still some pressure to write well here, but it’s not nearly as great as the pressure I put upon myself over at lorienyoga.com, where I’m attempting to convey to my students how our yoga practice can assist us on the path to self-realization.

Writing my thoughts out here without fear of what others will think of me has been therapeutic.  Just being able to articulate the feelings that seem so overwhelming on the inside can be a great relief, and this relief is felt more deeply when I see those feelings written out in black and white.  They don’t seem to hold so much power over me.

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9:48 PM

I just completed my evening meditation and it felt like such a struggle to stay awake and focus.  I really wanted to find stillness, to remember the infinite presence in me, but I was very fidgety and all I kept thinking about was how much I wanted to lie down. But I showed up for practice, I sat for the full thirty minutes, and I’m glad it’s done now.

Time to surrender to sleep.  I’m so grateful to have a warm home and a comfortable bed to sleep in. May all beings have comfort and ease of well-being.

Sweet dreams.