I love how it doesn’t matter how much I’ve attempted to stay present but failed miserably… I love that no matter how many times my mind hijacked my consciousness with thoughts of the past or thoughts of the future, the present always holds me. I always am here. I always am now. My work is to know this deeply, integrating awareness of the present moment through bodily sensations, through breath, through the intention to be of service. I see the perfection of my journey, how all experiences led me to this moment. All I can feel now… …is gratitude.
Up late getting ready. Big day. Big weekend. Today I taught three yoga classes. Tomorrow I’ll teach three classes, then I’ll lead a five hour training. I made eye pillows to give the participants, as well as training manuals so that they can take the information with them. I made a kale and quinoa salad for our working dinner tomorrow. All in all, it will be a twelve hour day… Sunday I’ll teach three more classes. And somehow, somehow, I am to find the time and stamina to PACK MY HOUSE BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO MOVE. I decided it’s not time to freak out. Freaking out is an old, outworn habit, and it really serves no purpose. Instead, I’m choosing presence. I’m showing up inside each moment, clear on what the moment is calling for, and doing that. When it’s time to teach, I’ll teach. When it’s time to eat, I’ll eat. When it’s time to pack, I’ll pack. When it’s time to move, I’ll move. And when it’s time to rest, I’ll rest. I am so grateful to have been brought to this simple place, where I no longer need to chastize myself for what I didn’t do sooner (that’s hopeless). In this simple place, I see what needs to be done, and I do that. There is so much peace in the present moment.
I’m amazed I’ve been able to keep up this pace, 2-3 yoga classes a day for two months, but I’m not just doing this for me, I’m doing it for my kids and for my students too. I’m doing it for the ripples of peace and goodwill that flow out into the world when I make just one person’s day a little brighter. It’s amazing how I can find the strength to go on, day after day, feeling tired, feeling wiped out, feeling like I have nothing left at the end of the day, and yet, each morning I wake up, and I’m ready to do it all over again. This feels like I’m being trained for something even bigger. This feels like an opportunity to flex my resilience muscles, my endurance muscles, my persistence muscles, my faith muscles. A year ago, I felt weak and destroyed, devastated, betrayed, abandoned… But now look… Just look at how strong I am now.
It’s a blessing to have work I love, a blessing to have enough of this work to earn the income I need to empower myself to move forward. It’s a blessing to know that the work I do benefits others, and leaves me feeling a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. I GET PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE… this is a miracle. As I dive deeper into my work, and bring greater value to my clients and the companies for whom I work, and as I am told about the positive impact I’m having on the lives of those I touch, I am driven to keep going. This month has been a marathon, 2-3 classes every day, no days off. My body is tired and yes, there is a part of me that would love a vacation… And yet, to be blessed with work I love, to have the Universe present me with this opportunity for gainful employment, to create independence as a single mother providing quality life for my children and myself, this is true success, true wealth, true progress. And truly, I am grateful.
I was talking with a friend about wealth… She said that I am far wealthier than some ultra wealthy people who have amassed incredible material wealth. She said that I am far wealthier than they in terms of my ability to feel happy and fulfilled and to experience peace in the present moment… And I got to thinking about my two children, how bright, and healthy and beautiful they are, and my yoga and meditation practice, my work teaching yoga, the talents God has given me to write, to draw, to sing, to move with my heart. I thought about my bank account, and although it’s presently modest, I can feel grateful and proud about how hard I’ve been working to achieve financial stability, several months of sobriety under my belt, maintaining consistency in my spiritual practice, gratitude journaling every night, pausing and appreciating nature in its many forms, the changes of the seasons, the fact I can see and hear and smell and taste and touch this present moment, alive in my body, alive all around me… And the connection, the human connection that my work gives me, spending time with beloveds who actually choose me as their teacher, who come back not because they have to, but because they want to— And I realize that yes, yes indeed— I am ultra wealthy.
A nightmare woke me up at 4:30am; even with the light on I didn’t feel safe. As sleep was out of the question at that point I began to read and lost myself in bits about blue-zone cultures and longevity. And then breakfast and meditation and yoga classes 1-2-3, finishing at 12:30 talking on the drive home with a dear friend in Colorado going through some stuff of her own… then lunch and reordering business cards and thinking about writing an “about me” for my website which has lain dormant for two years, and a shower, ahh…hot, beautiful water… and then it struck me. My daily life used to feel like a nightmare. I would pray to god to give me beautiful dreams so that I could find solace at night when I slept. Now, between working as much as I can teaching yoga and taking care of my two beautiful children, my life has become more fluid and easy and I feel more empowered. This was the dream I was looking for at this time last year. and now it’s real. Without knowing when it would happen or how, I’ve lived into a more powerful version of myself. Today I feel strong, healthy and happy. In comparison to the nightmare it once was, today my life feels beautiful and light. And I am so grateful.